My younger brother came by today, to tell us he was off to a KISS concert some time next month or the one after that, I can' keep track. Anyway, he popped his head into my room, looking around it and looking for something to make fun of. "Go ahead, I know you want to belittle me, so out with it", I said. "It'll come to me." he retorted. Him and my brother always saw me as the butt of their jokes. As much as I hated it, I couldn't do anything about it. They'll make fun of my skinny arms, my big feet, my bushy hair, anything on me that they'll take pot-shots at for their own amusement.

Before he left, I gave him a hug and rubbed his head, just because. It's like I know he's kidding, but it still hurts, and I know he assumes I don't mind.

Sometimes I try not to feel down, but my feelings are too heavy, so I've got so much emotional crap that needs to be barfed out. I don't want to dump too much of it here; I save that for my paper diary, but I'll just keep the more gutteral emotions out of here, if that's possible. I hate having feelings. I want to cork them up and function rationally without being a big cry-baby, or a big suck as I was dubbed as a young'un. I wish I were a tough person, so that I could be respected instead of something to pick on, push around and laugh at. I'm in an ugly place right now. I don't know if it's the hang-over from friday or unemployment or what, but I'm feeling like a gigantic loser.