|
There was this guy I'd met once before, who proclaimed that there's no racism in Canada. I always feel sorry for anyone who believes this, knowing that delusion will be wrecked in the future. Sometimes I wish I could think like that, in fact I did when I was a teenager but then reality came along. Do people actually believe this or are they trying to pick a fight? It just bugs me, after being called the N-word almost 2 years ago while leaving work and just being on this planet for 38 years, and there are those who've never experienced racism or were oblivious to it. This guy was saying how, after looking for work how he was a disadvantaged white guy and that the anyone who wasn't white had it easy. I wondered if he was a mole brought in to check us out? If not, then he's messed up. That may seem dismissive, but what kind of person thinks like this who isn't openly racist? Anyway, I was at a party where there were a few openly lesbian party guests. I didn't worry about how to approach them or if I should out myself or hide or whatever. What would I want from them after coming out to them? Speaking of sexuality, I'm so disappointed with the whole thing, with the whole scene out here and then turning to a male has saddened me even more. I can tell anyone who challenges me that thinks I turned to women because of bad experiences with men in the past that it's not the gender, but the individual. I hate hunting for love or trying to talk myself into casual sex just to get laid, but I feel like I'm done with the whole love thing. I'm not going to waste my energy on romance or sex and I'll just socialize with whomever. If someone wants to go on a date with me, fine, but I'm not going to expect anything to blossom out of it. I don't have the energy for it. What's-his-name is back and he wanted help with an audition but luckily I was off to a party. He gave me some words of advice about preparation the day before, how he went gambling and arrived the next morning unfocused. I called him the next morning when I was downtown, coming home from the party, and he sounded tired but didn't need help with his piece anymore. I kept wondering how I'd react when talking to him or if I was in the same environment with him, but deep down, I don't need him. You can read this and say I'm bullshitting, but it doesn't matter. Either we'll have sex again or we won't. Either we'll be friends or we'll hate each other. Right now is what matters, since he's not so prevalent in my life these days. I found it weird that we even hung out at all and that we had sex. I find it weird that I fell for him at all! I've gone over 3 years of no sex, I can go that long again and even longer. All I'm missing is the heartache and more disappointment. While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
|
