Lovely.

I keep seeing these porn sites linked on his browser. Whenever I spot these, he seems embarrassed, but I just say, "Hey, we're all adults here", hoping he'll be respectful of my "interests". I have yet to introduce him to any of my lesbian friends. I keep imagining a sour expression and he'll be so disapproving of me. I also worry that family members will gossip about me. Well, either they are or they aren't.

I keep thinking about T. Sometimes the person I'm most attracted to ends up telling me that they don't see me "that way", and the few who've been attracted to me don't tantalize me enough and disappear. Whether I have sex with someone or not doesn't make a difference either. Dating never leads anywhere. There must be something I want but can't articulate. Maybe I'm waiting for some unrealistic expectation that'll never be fulfilled. There's some reason stuck in me that I'm not clicking with anyone that's good for me. Someday that spell will be broken. Maybe something will turn around without any effort. Maybe it'll take some sweat to work it out. Up until this moment, I've chalked it all up to luck, but some things are my responsibility. It's hard to figure out what to control and what you can't. Maybe I'm not trusting the elements enough.

I don't know what I want.

Maybe I do know what I want and won't admit it.

I don't know. I'll work it out.