I got the most interesting message while watching "Will & Grace" tonight. It was a rerun, so the message came clearer than the first time. Grace was being hit on by a guy who didn't know she was married while Will was flirting with a woman who didn't know he was gay. They both just wanted to feel wanted. How many times have I had crushes on various people just because I thought they liked me? Until I get to a point in my self-esteem that says I'm worthy, I'll be making bad choices based on who I think finds me worthy. If I slept with someone right now, it could be male or female: A large part of me would believe that they wanted me because they saw me as a worthy human being. I can't see people clearly wearing stupidsex-goggles on my face. Part of me is celibate so that those goggles will fall off before that happens. I'm not looking for love, I'm looking for Validation in sex. I have to get this out of my system somehow. I have to reprogram my thinking so that I make better choices in love. I don't want to make the same mistakes again! Why do I feel so worthless all the time? My goal in life seems to steer towards validation, some sort of way to feel like I have a right to exist on this planet, that people should see me as valuable, but if I don't feel like it, then no one will see it in me either. I pick a humiliating job, I live under my parent's roof, my messy room reminds me of how scattered, disorganised and displaced I feel, my fashion-sense is unflattering, my self-esteem can't stay afloat and I'm my worst enemy. Being in my 30's sucks! I hope my 40's are better. Well, I hope tomorrow is better, nevermind 3 and a half years from now. It doesn't matter what others think, it's what you think about yourself that matters. People could flatter you to death, yet you have to believe in yourself. That came across as lame! Anyway, I must end this. I don't know when I'll write here again. Our computer has been misbehaving lately. I keep getting this on the computer:

This application has requested the Runtime to terminate in an unusual way. Please contact the application's support team for more information.