I need confidence, otherwise I'll be living at home forever, afraid of challenges that come my way, single and afraid of intimacy in relationships, broke and working at entry-level jobs where my boss will be younger and stronger than me: I have no spine. I was born without one. That which didn't kill me, just made me more afraid. I don't like what I see in the mirror, and I hate when people patronize me with bullshit because they think it's what I need to hear. There's no sincerity anymore. There's nothing to believe in anymore. If your friends tell you that the guy that raped you is decent, and that you're just being vengeful, then what is fair? Then, when your best friend tells you that you're gay because of bad experiences with men in the past, where do you get the strength to sock it to them all? Who's out there to acknowledge that you're worthy? I haven't been good at being courageous, and I've looked to others for approval, love, respect and got diddley-sqwat, al because I couldn't access it inside of me. I wanted this diary to be more positive, but I'm pouring too much of my emotional barf in here. I hope this moody red beast goes away, but it'll come back, always.