I was watching TV with a hot water bottle on my belly, to relieve the cramps that have plagued me all day, and the moodiness seeped in. I have to constantly remind myself that The Red Beast does this to me, and my thoughts for a day or two suck me down into that ugly pit it lives in. I'm still traumatized over yesterday's audition, and doubtful about myself over-all. I didn't get a call-back about Monday's Fem Fest audition, which I actually did good in. I wonder.....

When that asshole violated me, I wonder if it was that event that soured my view on life, or have I always felt like this? I mean, if I'd gotten away from him, how would my life be any different? Right now, I don't think I could achieve anything else if I gave up acting. "If there's something else you'd rather be doing, then do it" is how the saying goes, but there's nothing else I want to do. I hate all the jobs I've had, and I didn't take them seriously enough. Acting has been the most challenging thing in my life, and everything else felt like trash on the road to my goal. I have no confidence in what I can do anymore. None. I'm too old to start another entry level job, and I hate the idea of going back to school; I don't ever want to set foot in one ever, especially as a teacher. I use to want to be a teacher, but now, I could care less. I don't remember what it was like to want to be a teacher. I'd rather go back to take a writing course. When I was still in Vancouver, and the question, "What would you be doing if you weren't an actor?" came to me, I'd jokingly say, "I'd be living at home with my parents, unemployed and doing nothing". Well, guess what I've been doing for the past 7 months? "Becareful what you wish for, it may come true". Even when my mom kept asking me to move back home, I told her that "I wouldn't be doing anything once I got out there, and I wasn't sure I'd move back to Vancouver". That thought was so effortless when it came out of my mouth. I can't believe how I turned out. As a little kid, I'd have thought that at 30, I'd have at least half of what I'd pictured, but then I didn't have a clear picture of what I wanted.