Every month feels like a year sometimes. I reflect on the past month like I were alone on New Year's Eve, thinking about what I've done & accomplished. I've met up with people on the internet for various groups: Actors, Vegans, Lesbians and Atheists. Somewhat stimulating, especially the Atheist group. I've never collected with such a group before. Sometimes my gaydar can pick up on other gays/lesbians; I'm liable to find other vegans on yahoo!groups; I'll find actors at auditions/workshops/rehearsals/websites, but with atheists, they're invisible. After collecting with them, I searched online for more and found: gay atheists, spiritual atheists, satanic atheists, etc. It just had me think alot about being one, about how I never go and talk about or discuss it with anyone. The first and last time I did was with a friend and she just couldn't believe me, and we argued back and forth, mostly about how I was wrong for thinking this way. We never bring up the topic ever again. I also came out to her, but we never talk about that either. She's one of my most intelligent friends, one that goes way back to childhood, but there are so many subjects we never talk about, mostly pertaining to me; nothing personal to talk about, like I could make a big issue about them. She came out to visit a few weeks ago from Ontario and has since gone back. We did meet up for dinner with another mutual friend and my brother and cousin. As much as we talked and laughed, the other 3 people were there as a buffer, to deflect any personal chit-chat that could pop up. I wonder about our friendship in the future, if it'll fizzle out because of our lack of emotional connection. I miss her sometimes.

I find myself alone in the house more often. My dad works more, my mom has her usual hours at work, and I have the stereo playing White Boy Rock: Stone Temple Pilots, Jamiroqui and Justin Timberlake! Yes, you heard me, Justin Timberlake. I like his songs, okay?

Most days, I'm tossing around the idea of how I'll break out of this place, how I'll get my own life, how I'll be totally independent. I think about why I'm in the situation I'm in. I want to feel safe, to be taken care of, a support system. On my own, I'm out dangling in the world, knowing my family is a phonecall away, whereas if I have to get somewhere, there's always a ride offered. I don't have to pay rent, but my mom wants me to pitch in with a hundred bucks a month to help out with bills. I remind my dad of what day and date it is whenever he asks. I do it patiently, wondering if he's doing it on purpose or if he's really losing his memory from old age [Does my older brother care about the state of our family?]. My room is in a constant state of chaos, unorganised, papers here and there, the smell of eaten food, lack of creativity and imagination in my decor, clothes and uniform crumpled on the floor, bags parked in different spots, neglected teddybears. Before I go to work, I contemplate going over my script for the play that's in a month and a half. I have to figure out a few characters and do some paperwork to sort them out.

I also saw this lame gay movie on monday night called, A Very Natural Thing, dating from the '70's. As lame as it was, the most interesting thing I got from it was that one of the characters was filled with cynicism about his romantic future. I'm totally there, man!