|
I'm not going to worry about him. I can't afford to waste my nerves over whether I'll become straight or how lesbian I am or if I'm bisexual. I've been sexually inactive for 3 years, of course I'm going to be horny! That's all it is. I just can't believe I'm constantly distracted. Who knows? I might fall in love with someone someday and know what it's like to be in a long-term relationship. I had to think back if I've ever been in love and I know I haven't because it's one of those things that if you have been, you'd know. Some things you're 100% sure of, and not just by gut feeling, but a combination of that and experience. You get a strong feeling, locking eyes with someone and seeing a spark happen. You realize you've never felt like this in years, knowing you've been frustrated on many levels. I wonder how frustrated I'll get? I wonder how long into this celibacy marathon I can go? As much as I want a release, I fear the aftermath and it's consequences; I don't want to deal with the reality. If it's all in my fantasies, then nobody gets hurt. I'm starting to take notice of the lead actress and it's bugging me. I don't want to, but I'm becoming observant of her from the neck down. I'm keeping myself in check so I don't make anyone uncomfortable around me. With women, especially ones I feel attracted to, I worry I'll scare them, like I'm some sort of monster, some big bad lesbian creature out to devour them and take a peak at their goodies that straight boys don't have access to. I think of people who think that being gay is easier and I have to disrespect them and say: Shut the fuck up you fucking fuckers! Sometimes though, with men, I get that vibe that I'm the ugly girl they avoid, you know? Like if you've ever liked someone, looked at them and they had that wild look of fear in their eyes, you feel like you're ugly, some pervert or a deviant that's not allowed to venture forth and become attracted to someone, for fear of being lynched, set on fire or stoned to death. Blech! Where are my thoughts going? I get worried over who thinks I like them and it all ends up meaning nothing or another heartbreak or feeling used. How do I create my own reality out of this? It's all a matter of perspective, right? It's the goggles I see through when I awake in the morning, thinking they're superglued to my head.
While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
|
