[Friday, May. 30, 2003 @ 12:13 p.m.]
[ I Don't Know Diddley-Sqwat! ]

So often, as I watch the many hours of tv and live vicariously through the superstars and established actors, I picture myself with all that glory. I also witness on tv, the ones who've fallen from grace, the ones who've become consumed by their vices and addictions. I sometimes stop and wonder what kind of actor I want to be: superstar, artist, comic actor, improviser, mime, performance artist the possibilities are endless. I've always figured that once I was signed up with an agent, then they'd throw me out into the auditioning pool and I'd eventually get something, leading me to numerous amounts of roles to build my resume, then I'd have an instant career. An acting teacher once said, "You want an acting career, not a series of jobs", and I've had only a series of jobs, and not just with acting either.

I never set anything in stone, which is why my path has gone the way of Forrest Gump, simply floating on a breeze like a feather. I'm no Forrest, but....I get told what kind of life or future I'm suppose to have, based on their observations and experiences. I see my parents as unfulfilled, like we all are anyway, but of course they want for me what they didn't achieve. How many of us will look back on our lives and reflect on what wasn't accomplished? Greta Garbo even looked back on her life and regretted not having a family: we'll never get all of what we want. I may never be a successful actress, or anything. I don't know what my future holds, and somehow that feels okay. I don't want some psychic telling me when I'm going to die, or what my future husband will look like; I've never had a fortune teller predict that I was gay, unless they know something I don't know. Anyway, I hate having people tell me what I should do with my life, but then again, if we don't make choices for ourselves, others will.

I don't even know what I want for breakfast yet!


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