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I've just finished a small tub of Soy-delicious chocolate almond non-dairy frozen dessert. My hair is being moisturized with hair mayonnaise (which isn't vegan! I'm so ashamed!). I'm wearing nothing but my blue robe with brown teddy bears and snowflakes all over it. My parents are in the living room watching The Simpsons and other light and fluffy entertainment. This is my New Year's Eve and it's sedentary. I was hoping to do something like last year and the year before, but since I haven't gotten the call yet, here I am. Half the day is over and I've called people about my new year. I'm participating in some research conducted on black women for some skin thing; I'm having a meeting with an agent I know so I can get representation; I avoided a call to work tomorrow morning and I gave my mom a scalp massage. There was this stuff I bought at a caribbean store for an itchy scalp, and since I'd finish massaging mine, I thought I'd do my mom a favour and add my fingertips to her neglected scalp. She was moaning and groaning, telling me how much better it is to have someone else do things like this. Wise words mom, wise words. She also asked if dad lent me some money; I bought some things because it was payday and dad got me to buy some things for him. We went to a fish market and I bought 20 bucks worth of fish, something I hate eating, but which my mom loves. My dad couldn't afford to buy us any xmas gifts and apologised to us. We were very forgiving and I felt sad for my poppa. He's his brokest (?) ever! My parents made out their wills this month and I'm positive my brothers and I won't see much in the way of cash. I'm not banking on getting much from them, especially from my dad. Anyone who'd think I'm going to be greedy after my parent's death is stupid. I can even imagine a horrible death happening while someone tries to blame me for it for the money, then picturing myself laughing my head off at the idea. My dad is worried about my future, but I'm worried about him and his mental state. Yesterday, he was his usual absent-minded self when I blew up at him, trying to communicate how frustrating it is to handle something he has no control over. He's claiming it's old age, but when I told him of the 79 year old man who's mind is as clear as a bell, he was intrigued that I talked about him to a stranger. I felt vented, but I wasn't mad at him. I so love my dad and it's so painful that his mind isn't what it should be, that his attention-span isn't there, nor is is recollection of events. My older brother is just starting to clue into my dad's condition when my mom mentioned his disappointed reaction to my dad's odd questions. Dad forgets where he is often times. Yesterday, I blew up because he constantly forgot where he was and when I asked if he was like this during his cab rides, he acted offended at such a question. I was really concerned that his mind wasn't with him on the job, but he's oblivious to his impact on anything. Just as I was typing that last sentence, my dad came in and asked where my mom was. If 20 minutes go by and my mom isn't in front of my dad, he worries where she is. She's in the basement doing laundry. I had to direct him, physically, out to the livingroom to show him she wasn't there, that she was downstairs. He constantly needs reassurance from us, asking questions already answered. I'll be repeating myself 5 times and he's clueless about how frustrating he is. It's like he wipes the incident out of his mind, denying it even. Anyway, I want to have sex with a woman next year, that's my hope, and if I never has sex with a man again, it'll be too soon. I messed myself up playing around with that man. I hope I never do something that foolish again. I feel aweful, as I've mentioned many many times before, and came away more frustrated than ever before. Being with a woman was such a relief and hit all my buttons than what's-his-face ever could. It was nice, it was okay and it was penetrating, but I hope things work out between us. I don't want any ill-will and I don't want to show up at event or on-set and have a bad reaction when I see him. I want things to be settled between us. I hope we can talk things out. I don't know if he wants sex with me again or not, but I'm assuming he's getting some from someone else. For all I know, he's having a hard time getting laid, hell, maybe he's gone even longer without sex than I have. It relieved and bothered me that he had condoms ready, but I was shaved for him, maybe he read into that like I did about his condoms? Anyway, I'm looking at being single as a good thing and not something I'm doomed for. I can't believe this is the last entry for the year for me! Looking back, I did more theatre than I ever have, I had sex with a man, I'm still at the same job and my dreadlocks are longer!
While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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