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I heard on the news, for the past week, that Wal-Mart isn't allowed to wish people a Merry X-mas. I figured that there are others out there who not only have different religions, but who've had bad experiences in the past around this holiday and to wish this upon them is to press their hot button. All I say at work is, "Have a good day", which is alright, nobody looks at me funny. They'll say, "Merry X-mas" back and I'll say it to them, but no harm, no foul. Anyway, I was mentioning to an older co-worker about this bit about Wal-Mart, and all she kept on repeating was, "Well, christmas has always been here, has been around forever!", like that's the only answer there is, the answer to stop all discussion on the debate. Good thing I didn't tell her I was an atheist! I don't go around telling people I am, just because I'm not good at arguing my points. If I'm provoked and the words just have to come out, yeah, I'll say something, but to mentally fumble for what to say only wears out my brain, makes me reconsider what I'm getting myself into. Don't want to be a shit-disturber, although sometimes I wish I were. Speaking of atheism, I went to a humanist funeral on Wednesday. A member I'd met a few times had passed away of brain cancer and I was choked he was gone; I'd only seen him the month before, hearing about his illness only a couple of weeks ago, finding out he was in the hospital last week then getting the email a day before the service. Since I was on his email address list, I was invited to come celebrate his life in the evening. He loved airplanes so it was held at an aviation museum. I'd never been to a place where you were allowed to feel sad before. Being at a funeral service was new to me. I almost didn't go because I wasn't sure if I had that right, but I knew his wife and she needed some comfort and support. Her voice was holding back the tears she wanted to cry and I felt for her. I wish I'd known the both of them longer, for I didn't feel like I could do much more that just hug her. There was a photo montage and my lip quivered as "Imagine" played along with it. When I left afterwards, it was a long walk to my bus stop and I openly cried; well, I was struggling with my tears, but it was more open then when I was at the service. Sometimes, I want to just bawl my head off and squeeze every bit of sadness in me, but I hate crying, which gets in the way of this. Right now, my mom is laughing hysterically at something on the tv. I love hearing her laugh! She was watching a Steven Segall movie once, and this scene where Steven breaks this guy's leg made her burst out laughing, keeling over on the couch, weakened with laughter and unable to breath. My dad was probably asleep, awoken by my mom's squeeling. I was on a different community website, where I have a profile, and there's this woman with 2 kids and is openly a lesbian. I got to chatting with her and sort of invited her to go have some vegan food sometime. When I thought about it, I figured she'd say no or weasel out of it. Her next letter said that we could hang out in the new year. A part of me was thinking that this was a bad idea, trying to date anyone, especially a woman with kids. It's too "Instant Family" for me. She has other responisbilities to deal with, meanwhile I just have to worry about me. My life seems so trivial in comparison, meanwhile she has other mouths to feed and their futures along with her own. Makes one seem insignificant. Her picture is hot too! She had a new hair-do and posted it for everyone to comment, and yowza! The shot was taken from above and her cleavage looked......moisture-enducing! I don't want to jump on anyone, but I don't want to be hung up on my actor-friend, feeling pathetic about having/wanting no one else but him. I want to move on, but until he's back in town (maybe he is already?) and able to hash this out, I'm in limbo about this stupid "affair" that happened. It's not like we're married or anything, and my feelings for him have simmered down since his absence. When I called him that time, it was out of horniness, but he wouldn't hear me out. Sheesh! This is what happens when I act on my desires! I wanted a torrid affair with suggestions, trading ideas on what we could do to each other, but that was all shot to hell-in-a-handbasket when he yelled at me. If I never see him again, I'll be relieved, but the other shoe has to drop, I have to face the music, that fat lady will finally sing, yada yada yada! Anyway, I was checking out flickr and found a tag word for, well, it starts with a "p" and means a cat or a woman's crotch. Man, I saw some photos that, well, I'll need to change my underwear right now. I sat there, salivating over these images, and thought of my friend who asked if I didn't turn gay because of past trauma. I'm looking at these images and not feeling the trauma, but other feelings, "down there!". When you're body reacts to something, there's truth in it. Some people always know, some of us come to realize this later on, some people are even older. I'm just amazed when others know this from day one, when they're in kindergarten or even earlier. Some people think they mean well, since I've met one girl who thought she was a lesbian, referring to a past trauma vaguely, but there's something in me that's not 100% anything. I don't want to call myself a lesbian, but a part of me leans in that direction. That part is in my pants! There are some hot people out in the world who'll turn my head, some I would never think could turn me on ever. Hell, I've seen skin heads that made my panties moist, I've seen some fat people who got me all juicey, I saw a pregnant Tina on season 2 of "The L Word" and man was I drenched! I don't want to try to look for what turns me on; I want it to provoke me. It feels best that way. It's like trying to be funny or trying too hard to do anything. Some things just provoke feelings out of you that you can't control. Who knows who I'll be attracted to next? I'm making up for not writing enough in here. Sometimes I want to just write and write here and in my paper journal. I love diaries, journals, logs, blogs, what have you! I have a list of goals on 43 Things, but I ain't tellin' ya! While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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