The thing that I was thinking about all day was this website called, PostSecret where people send in their confessions on postcards. I scribbled down the address and contemplated what I could possibly send in. Maybe the idea that I was having sex with a man because there weren't any women interesed in me, or me into any other woman presently. I thought of the idea of my lesbianism being gone or hanging by a thread. What the hell am I? I thought of whoever would ask me what my preference was and replying with, "Honestly? I don't know what the hell I am!" and trying to explain it to them so it makes sense to me. Who would ask me this question and would it be the right answer? I was thinking about when I was at his place on Sunday. The sex just left me more frustrated and even tight all over. You usually feel relieved afterwards, but in the middle of it, he pointed out that I was a million miles away, asking if that's where I was and I just grunted an "Aha". He came and I went limp out of defeat. Why do guys get impatient when it comes to orgasms? I never had this problem with women! I loved spending an hour or more, naked with another woman, but he just wanted to come so he could get it out of the way. Even when I did mention what I wanted done to me, that was it! I spent more time on his body than he did inside of me. Our first time together was great because he was the first man I'd had since several years ago; it was like losing my virginity all over again. I told myself in a different entry that I wanted to have more sex with women, meanwhile here I was, having this "thing" with this man, who I think is beautiful, and coming away more baffled. Is this it? Is this my life presently? Is this what my year is starting off with? After he came, he spent most of his time on his computer, meanwhile I was too polite to ask him to "finish me off". I knew why I was tight all over, and I even mentioned this feeling, but did he know? Was he acting like he didn't? I won't see him for about 3 months or so, so I'm sexless until then. For all I know, he has some other woman in Alberta to screw and I'm his Winnipeg Black Booty-Call. I even told him that I don't go looking for sex, that I hadn't had any for 3 years before him. Well, I don't know if he realized he was the first one to break my bout of celibacy. I was even wondering if striving for happiness was fruitless. I was changing the garbages at work thinking about this crap and this affair I'm in. I wished he kissed me more. He barely kissed me, accept when I asked him to kiss my back. That felt really good, but his lips barely came close to mine. I can't get off if I'm not kissed, but I didn't even tell him this.I don't have a love life, I have a sex life; I don't have partners, I have lovers. Does anyone use the word lovers anymore? It's something an older woman would use.