Anyway, I've been more than active, venturing out on the bus and flinging my resumes. I even went out on an audition a couple of days ago, and it felt good, being surrounded by other working actors. Some were familiar, a couple I knew, and when they'd ask what I'd been doing, I'd humbly say, "I was doing a children's play". "Oh, good for you!" they'd say, in their most supportive voice. Any work is always good, paying or not. The audition was for the Manitoba Lotteries Commision, and apparently the script was "Top Secret". Oh brother! Most of the actors were cheesed that they arrived early for nothing, with the intent of catching a glimpse first so they'd be prepared and ready. I hated that I was rushed to read it, even after they said they'd give me time to go over it. I was intending to go over it a couple more times, but they wanted me to barrell ahead with it. If you see a Manitoba Lottery commercial with 2 co-workers talking with subtitles expressing what they really mean, I read for the woman's part. I'd be surprised to get it, since I kept stumbling over two words that I can't even recall right now. Some company name.

Anyway, there was a job fair today, and with only 4 bucks in my horsy bank, I invaded it to use as busfare to make the important trip. It was my first time taking a bus to St.Vital Centre, so I needed to us the web and find schedules to get down there. I was imagining a more expensive set-up, but it was just the middle of the mall, tables thrown about and suited up people in their work clothes/costumes with application forms and less pens then they started out with. I even imagined it to be busier. I could imagine other people with their excuses all ready in their heads while they planted themselves in front of their TV screens of computers; I pushed past my procrastination, so this was a major feat for me. On my way, I stopped by one of the local theatres downtown to drop off a photo and resume, since they were holding their auditions next week saturday. I was on the bus when one of the theatre people called me on my cellphone, responding to my message from yesterday. She asked if I was union, and when I said no, she put me on a list of non-union actors. It didn't bother me too much until an actor friend I told this to asked if she booked an appointment with me; I can already hear my photo and resume going through the shredder.

I'm at St.Vital, selecting the tables I wanted to drop my resume at, then spread them all before me to fill them out at once, when I spot this large fellow I use to work with at Wal-Mart who use to annoy everyone. He talked alot, rambled on and dominated the chit-chat, but he didn't see me. Not right away anyway. He did spot me and said hi, and I made as little chit-chat as possible and got away to hand back my scribbled-on forms. He assumed, as most of the other seasonal folks did, that since my mom worked their, I was guaranteed a permanent job there, so he was surprised to see me filling out forms. As I'm retracing my rounds, I spot this girl, swaggering her way up to tables, and I assumed she was an Assistant Manager or some person who had to sit behind these tables, but I saw some papers in her hands, approaching tables and chatting with the potential employers, then she glances my way. We smile briefly at each other, not lingering enough, but in my mind her image did. It's funny, being celibate for almost a year, spending energy thinking and pondering sex, trying to remember which gender I prefer. It gets to a point where I don't even remember what it's like to be with someone until some androgynous-sextoy-on-legs provokes lustfull thoughts into my imagination. I've felt so cut off from it. I feel almost re-virginised again, like I was in my 20's! Makes me fantasize about quickies in the mall bathroom (Remind me to talk about my sexual exploits in public bathrooms). She was already gone when I didn't even get a chance to share enough breathing space with her. I even imagined walking up to her and pretending to mistake her for "someone who could give me a job", but that fantasy role-playing was gone like she was.