Her son does films, and she's the stage mom, so he's going as a member while she has to pay $30 to go with him. When I got to the coffee shop we were to meet at, there wasn't anyone there to serve me. I was almost tempted to go behind the counter and serve it myself, leaving some money and a note, but I instinctively looked for a security camera and there it was, staring straight at me. I knocked on the counter, shouting, "Hello!", but no one responded. Idiots! I went across the street to a busier one, people sitting outside in groups and couples, and there she was, coming towards me. I don't know her very well, so there was no hug or any other physical gesture. I found a table, populated by flies, she came out with her frappaccino, and I listened while she went on and on. It's always interesting to sit back and let a person's mind run, hear what's going on in their lives; she's dissatisfied with her marriage and wants a divorce for her 50th birthday. I didn't feel imposed upon either. Like I said, we don't know each other very well, so to let her pour her feelings, thoughts and history was insightful. It's also a distraction to forget about what's swirling around in my head. I hate having obsessive thoughts about what people have done to me, and the reactions friends have barfed up.

Anyway, she seemed more human, like I could log her away in my brain if ever her name comes up, instead of just someone-from-my-actor's-group. What she told me is nobody's business.

And I was right about another actor.

The one I met at Wal-Mart, the one who introduced me to the actor's meetings. My gaydar went up upon first glance, and the actress I met up with today mentioned her and her 'partner'. I don't know if there was a reaction on my face when she said that, but I felt a click inside of me, the kind that says, "I knew it!" without verbalizing it.

It was good to get out and socialize, to see what dress I might be wearing. I was expecting it to be way fancier, but I have fancier ones. I haven't even tried it on yet, so we'll see.

I was eventually feeling relieved, feeling like the Wellness Centre was a bad idea. Whenever I get into any type of physical excersize, I also feel past trauma trying to work its way out of me, so I'm totally distracted. I was on the stationary bike, and the thoughts were loud and clear, so I peddled harder. By the time I was on the Badminton court, I was half-spent, but my mom noticed I was distracted also. I kept lying, saying that the bike wore me out. Talking about my feelings, airing them out, has only given others reason to judge me or be insensitive towards me. I don't know how to get others to help me without them saying the wrong word, then they get mad at me because they can't "fix" my problem. I see news reports about some famous person accused of sexual assault, and automatically the perpeTRAITOR is labelled as 'innocent until proven guilty' while the victim is discredited. You can't count on anyone to side with you when you've been violated, and you have to live with it for the rest of your life. I want to burst sometimes, just let out a good cry so I'll never have to cry for the rest of my life. Trusting someone with my pain has been harmful to me, and the people who don't know, I tolerate, feeling safe.