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I think of him when this song comes on. Last week, I went to my brother's place to put up and decorate his xmas tree. My phone rings and when I look at the call display, it's him, Mr. Womanizer, as I've now nick-named him. He wants to know why I've been so bitchy. Nice way to charm me. Pffft! I was also pms'ing, but I was rightfully mad at him, plus I was at my brother's place and having never told my family about him, I really wanted to keep him out of my life and sweep our affair under the rug. Having come out of the closet some years ago then getting involved with a womanizing male is bad in many ways. Since the phone call though, I couldn't stop thinking about him. I cursed him for calling me and I cursed myself for getting involved with him at all. I always see my potential affairs as doomed in the end, so anyone I screw or fall for, I see as hopeless anyway. More and more, I keep thinking that getting out of this city and away from him is a good idea. One of my uncles suggested that I visit his family in Jamaica: That's one way. How else can I cut him out completely? I was so miserable because all the lust and desire I felt for him was compacted in me, all in my clit. Once he called, it's like it wanted to burst in some violent way, either abusive or sexual. I've been choking back these feelings for him for a long time and they refuse to die. They rear up and attacked me once I heard his voice over the phone. I need another heartbreaker to help me get over him, and I'd rather fix my routine on that. He claimed that he doesn't do girlfriends. What he really means is that he never saw me as one, aside from parading some other girl and labelling her as his girlfriend, according to what she told me. I could go on about this. I'd rather not talk to him, but if I went to him, I'd end up naked and being fucked for hours by him, then feeling like a cum sock. I want to be more than a booty-call to someone, but I wouldn't know how to be in a relationship, so I screw myself. I might add another entry or add to this one soon. I'm house sitting for a couple tomorrow until new year's day. Sometimes I wonder if I'm using him? Am I having sex with him because the right person for me is out there and he'll do for now? I sometimes think on how I've felt about this whole thing, then when I turn it over in my head, I'm not victim, but more of a perpetrater. Maybe I'd like to see myself that way so I don't feel so tortured? I'll work on that, scribble it out in my journal or something. I prefer that idea than what I'm living with. I'm not sure what's the truth anymore. While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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