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I've been having nightmares about them. I had one where a friend of mine was his latest fuck-buddy and I was so disturbed by this. The next morning I'd sent her a message via facebook and this upset her. I tried to reassure her that I didn't mean to bother her and ruin her day, but I still feel bad. Yesterday, I tried to convince myself that I could stand to be in a workshop or in the same room as both of them, then several hours ago I had a disturbing dream that I was and that I was very unsettled. Obviously I'm not over this. It's been 10 months and it's still bothering me. I was hanging out with a friend of mine yesterday, a fellow atheist and his wife when the subject of childhood sexual abuse came up (his wife left to do laundry). It had happened to him and I shared my story. I was beginning to feel like I could tell him everything and that he was becoming a good friend. Not that he wasn't before, but even more so with sharing these personal past traumas. I didn't tell him about being raped but I almost wanted to. I thought we were only getting together to watch "The Atheist Tapes", but then things got deep beyond that. If I had to write my life story, I'd write it with him in mind, like I were telling it to him, the way Malcolm X told his story to Alex Hailey. If I ever lost faith in men, he restored it. I think I'll be getting more disturbing dreams involving those fuckers from last year's workshop. There's not enough St. John's Wort to make me get over this. Speaking of which, it's because I didn't have enough dosage that my inner emotional well or my Pandora's Box opened and spilled into my subconsciousness, creating my fears and disturbances. I left my friend's place, then I felt horny. I wanted to get laid by the man again, knowing full well that that was a bad idea. I didn't call him or do anything about it, knowing I'd regret it and hate myself even more for doing it. I just tried masturbating and with the last half of the wine I guzzled, I didn't come. I was on the brink, but I was left unfinished and the sensation withered and died. I just watched more videos on youtube, watching Daniel Craig and Jermaine Jackson's "Do What You Do" video several times: I love that song! I'm too crushed to accomplish what I want. I'm still glad I took an improv workshop though. That was necessary, and I assumed rightly that those two fuckers wouldn't be there. I didn't think theatre and/or improv was their thing and I was right. There were times where I wondered how I'd be if they were there; I was too distracted by them. I'm always distracted by them wherever I am, especially if I'm downtown, when a friend talks about yoga, when I hear a hutterite accent, almost anything actually. I'm obsessing over this privately. It's in my head all the time, while at work, at home, whenever! A family death will either replace it or will be added to it. I don't want either to happen, but I can't endure this. This is my own personal hell that I've trapped myself into and I don't know how to get out. I hate this. I absolutely hate this. I've blocked them again on facebook, eventhough I unblocked them long before. There's only 2 others still blocked, but they needed to be blocked. I couldn't take having them in my space like that. I have to go back to sleep. I'm house-sitting again. Very liberating doing so. My friend gets back sometime today, so I'm enjoying the silence, despite the cats clawing at something. Hangovers create the worst farts. While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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