|
I hung out with a friend of mine at her place. After a couple of hours, discussing the movie "Nine" that we were somewhat impressed with, I had to leave and she accompanied me to Starbucks where she needed to buy some coffee beans. As we walk in, who should be sitting, reading a book but Mr. Womanizer. For all I know, he saw me through the window then acted like he didn't see me. I ignored him as if I never knew he was there. My friend says, "There's film people here", and not letting on, I let it go, not wanting to know how well she knows him, not wanting to know if she's been fucked by him: attempting ignorant bliss. We leave, we chat in the freezing cold, we hug, then we part. I have this horrible idea that he'll follow her to her place and they'll fuck, but I turn around and see him leave alone, not going near her place. I wonder what he's doing in that area, since it's several blocks from his place. I assume he's got a woman to do nearby, or that he wants me to see him. I dash my hopes intentionally by telling myself that he doesn't care about me. In reality, I have no idea what or how he thinks of me or if he's easily moved on or if he thinks of me. I'd like to think that someone thinks of the time we've spent together, like it were a fond memory. I'd like to think alot of things, but that only gets my hopes up, so I think negative thoughts and stuff my lust for him away. I tell myself that I don't want to feel like that for anyone ever again, that I might slip and fall for someone who'll hurt me worse than the last person. I also throw away gender, disregarding the whole, "that's what men do", or "lesbians suck" or any gender bias that floats in my head to justify my bad luck. I can't wait for the day when he's totally out of my system, that seeing him won't hurt, that I can smile at him or smile at him memory, or even at the times we'd spent together. I prefered the platonic times before we got naked years ago. Sex ruined things for me and him. I almost expected him to call so I could ignore his call, but he didn't and we can't afford to go down that rocky road anyway. I'm house sitting for some friends and even though I have the place to myself to invite whomever I want, I want no one. I don't want any sex here or for a long time. January 3rd will be one year since last I got laid, and that was aweful. If that was my first time with a woman, I'd have sworn them off on that day and thought lesbian sex was misrepresented. I never know when I'll have sex again. I don't know if it'll be with a man or a woman, or with the womanizer (I hope not!) but I just let it happen, whenever the chance and the desire meet. I may not have it for another long time. I hate being horny. It'll go away. While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
|
