I'm not trying to make my parents lives miserable by doing what I want. An older actor once assured me that we can't always do what our parents want us to do. It doesn't matter how we try to please others anyway because they're always dissatisfied. I can honestly say that I'm gullible, that sometimes if a friend wants me to do something, most of the time I'll do it. In the end, they look at me as easy or as someone who can't think for themselves, so I've wasted my time with someone who used me. I keep thinking this person will like me, that I'm respecting them by doing what they want, meanwhile they're disrespecting me for blindly doing what they told me to do: I respect others to get respect, treating others how I want to be treated. There are 2 kinds of people in this world: those who want to be respected and those who want to be liked. Those who are respected aren't often liked and those who are liked aren't often respected: I hate the idea of being disliked.

Am I even respected by anyone? If I go my own way with this persistant desire to become a professional actor, am I being thought of as someone who has an ambition or as someone who's delusional? I don't know how much I'm being respected for anything in my life. Maybe I have so much disrespect for myself that it spells out to people to treat me like a doormat or something. Respect has to be earned and not expected and I don't know if I've ever been respected at all, for whatever reason.

If I always went into work whenever I was called, then they'd think I was availible all the time. I'd always be the Stucco Employee who fills in for others but when I need someone to fill in for me, I can't rely on anyone. I've had that at previous jobs where I was there when called yet when I needed the time off, it was impossible. I was almost fired because I couldn't get anyone to take a shift, so I had to choose between being in a show and going to work. I was mad and stressed out at having to make a choice like that; it was so unfair. Life is unfair anyway.