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I was hanging out with a friend of mine last night after work. He's the only person I've told that I have an online diary after he said he had one too. There was so much I wanted to tell him, but I got engrossed in his story that mine didn't seem to matter. Often times, I feel like I myself don't matter: my thoughts, my safety, me in general. My sense of worthlessness hovers over me like a bad angel. I haven't told anyone else about this and I don't think I ever will, just for everyone's sake. No matter how you try to explain yourself, people will still draw their own conclusions about you. I could write a book about myself, detailing my entire life. {I just had to dash off to the kitchen because my boiling water was spilling all over the range. Just had pasta and veggies in it. I tend to ignore what I have on the stove often. I also leave lit candles and sometimes forget them}. My heart still aches. I know someday I'll be over him, that I'll lust after someone else, or fall in "love" with them and that I'll go through the same pain again. I'll never take my own life over someone though. With him, I thought that would make him the victorious one, like this were some kind of contest to see who coulde torture the other more. I don't know when or if love will find me or if I'll realize it was right in front of me the whole time. Some people just know how to draw people to them; I don't and I'm unaware of what attraction or power I have, if I even have any. I'm way too jaded and I don't want to inflict my emotional toxins on anyone. I refuse to dump my feelings on anyone and make them responsible for fixing me. Life doesn't work that way. Only I can fix the wheel on this car through my own journey. It's all me at the end of it all. I had this thought, all day yesterday while at work, that I can't survive in Winnipeg as long as he's in the film industry. It seems too painful to be in the same city, to know what he's up to, and that I should find a way to alleviate this pain sitting in my chest. Whenever I kicked something, like a can or a ball of ice, I felt just a little bit better, but that lasted not even a minute. Violence isn't the answer, I know this. Physical exercise only draws up my angry and hurt feelings. Internalizing these feelings only tortures me more. Lately, my latest obsession has been Ms. Juicci, with her big butt. She's definitely spank-bank material. She has other women on one of her links that ease my pain. I was also thinking that if I had a woman that wanted me too, I might feel better, but that remains to be seen, plus I swore off any pursuits of romance/sex in the coming year, since I fail so often. Even that's painful when I'm rejected. It's even worse from someone I'm not interested in or hitting on and they get all creeped out by me. I'm not Medusa! I don't feel beautiful. It's one of those things you have to believe, and I don't believe I am. There are gorgeous women, like the one that guy is seeing, casually, so I feel like a toad in comparison. Whenever someone tells me I'm beautiful, it's because they're annoyed and want me to shut up, or they think all women need to hear that, or they want to get laid. Or it's reassurance after they've rejected me, telling me, "Yes, you're beautiful, and someone else out there will see that", like they're sending me off on my way to stop bothering them. I'll never feel loved outside of family or even friends. It's not something I want to believe, but I presently believe it to be my truth. What the hell is the truth anyway? It seem relative and born out of perspective. I could write forever in here, sometimes. There are so many thoughts I need to empty from my head so I could feel cleansed and have no more worries or insecurities inside me. Yesterday, I was so ill with obsessive thoughts, I went to the bathroom at work and stuck my finger down my throat so I could vomit. I just wanted to purge myself of ill feelings for a moment, but it didn't work. I did heave a moment afterwards, but I don't barf that easily. When I was busy with a customer, I was distracted from my feelings, but once I was by myself, my thoughts tortured me. Sometimes I wish I had a robot replica of myself so I could stay at home and control her to live my life for me. I wouldn't have to leave the house ever again. She'd buy my groceries and do the things I didn't want to do. I'm listening to a Sarah Vaughn album right now, and several of the tunes fit my situation and my feelings for him. My favourite song for him was, "I Just Wanna Make Love To You" by Muddy Waters or Etta James, but now it's ,"You're Not The Kind" by Sarah Vaughn. While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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