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Sometimes I think he was there because he was availible. I feel like I used him just to get my horniness out of the way. I got so frustrated with this celibacy that I couldn't take it any longer. Whatever. I haven't talked to him in a few days now. The last time he called me was because his wallet was missing. My immediate reaction was that someone else took it, but it dawned on me midway through our chit-chat that he suspected me of taking it. It went missing on Saturday but I wasn't at his place then, so I'm off his list. He didn't out and out accuse me of stealing though, but I'm still slightly perturbed about it. You know, I wouldn't be surprised if I saw him with someone else or if he went out of town without saying anything. I can always depend on my luck in situations like these. I don't want to expect anything from him, since we had sex. I was feeling miserable too, my self-esteem going further downhill. The other day, I went to a lingerie shop and bought a matching bra & panties. I felt bummed out afterwards, wondering if it was even worth it? Wearing it for myself seemed depressing, and it reminded me that I hadn't really been this depressed in a long time. I'm always looking for my self-worth in sex and intimacy. I was writing in my paper journal about how worthless I felt, with all sorts of names being jotted down. Man! Aren't you suppose to feel better about yourself when you hook up with someone? I don't even acknowledge him to anyone. Someone asked me if I had a boyfriend and I could only say no. In reality, it was just a fuck. If I didn't have that one night, I'd still be frustrated, yet telling myself occasionally that celibacy was a good thing. I don't know what the next moth will bring or what other encounters with him will ensue. I don't want to end up hating or resenting him, eventhough I felt those feelings well up inside me for the past couple of days. I can't begin to describe how horrible I feel. I wished I'd never had sex with him. It was a terrible mistake. I'll never learn. I don't want to get my hopes up anymore, yet there'll always be something that will. While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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