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The other day, I left a text message on his phone saying let's never do that again. I thought he wasn't reading my messages and just phoning me up immediately, but he called me and asked what that message was all about. I explained saying that I wanted to leave it as a friendship and all, but he tells me, I don't want things to get complicated. It would ruin our careers. He rattled off his schedule for the next few months and it sounded like he's squeezing me in! I'm downtown, hanging with the cast, playwright and director, when I get a voicemail from him, seeing how I'm doing. He must have the day off or he wouldn't be calling at all. Moments later, I'm going to his place and we're lounging around, watching "Grease" and how he thinks it's a great movie. A friend of his comes a-knocking on his window, some old guy who comes in and notices me, regarding me like I'm "The Girlfriend". "How did you end up with him?" and when he notices how much tidier the place is, "Did you do this?" What are you suggesting?" says my friend. I hang back, paying attention to the tv while his back is to me, paying more attention to his friend. The guy leaves and acknowledges me: "Take care of him". This guy is getting my hopes up. We're alone, I'm drinking my huge bottle of water and he's got the remote control, when he gets this impulse to drive to Selkirk. About many minutes later, we arrive there; he says a friend of his might be there but he's not sure. Sure enough, the place has nobody accept a cat to greet us. There's a hot tub in the back which we eventually use. Actually, we drove away and I suggested that we use it, so we turned around, got naked and climbed it. Here's the thing: I got my period today and I didn't say a thing. He didn't notice anyway when I subtley pulled it out before he entered me. "You ever do it in a hot tub?" he says beforehand, so I prepared myself. With the water and my condition, he came in a few minutes. "You didn't though" he says, but he's done for the day. It didn't seem to matter to me though, but it alleviated my cramps that's for sure. Too bad it wasn't sunny out, but that really didn't matter. The only lively part in the roadtrip was when we started talking about our experiences with drugs. He's tried crack though but he's not a fan of pot. I couldn't help but feel empty inside. I do like him. I actually care about him, but I'm trying to be careful about this. I've never tolerated a casual relationship before. I don't know if I'm resigning to it or relaxing into this. I've had 3 years to think about what I want out of my sex life and this is where I'm at. I don't even know how I feel about this or how I want to feel. At one point, he asked me if I went to the bar last night. I said no, but I think he might've meant Friday night, when I saw a friend of mine I hadn't seen in years, sing at a blues bar. Made me wonder if he was following me or if he's feeling something like jealousy? We don't talk about our feelings for and about each other. He won't tell me and he'll make me feel like I'm complicating things. I even imagined hugging him and getting a warm feeling, followed by a feeling of loss because he wants to be distant. I feel hollow. He didn't notice my fancy bra. Later on, when we were going back to his car, I had a kleenex in my pocket, so I used that to pick up the tampon and dispose of it. There wasn't anyplace to trash it, so I hucked it amoungst the trees. It got caught on a branch, which unravelled the tissue, sending the tampon flying and leaving the bloody tissue to hang and dangle in the wind. I'll remember that image for awhile. While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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