I remember, being in Jr. High, and my friend Jody said,"I think Mayor likes you", and the idea that someone could like me convinced me that I liked him. He was the scummiest guy at school too, sexually harassing girls, but he didn't touch me. I got to slow-dance with him, and he later told me that he liked me as a friend. I should've been greatful that that perv didn't lay a grimy hand on me. I even cried that night, while taking a shower, blaming Jody for putting the thought in my head.

I just wanted to be loved. "Have you ever considered girls?" one guy asked me when I was in my twenties. I honestly thought that no girls would even notice me, was my latent way of being so deep in the closet.

Male or female, my romantic/sexual curse has been consistant. I'm always greatful when someone shows an interest in me, but at my age, there's a hint of skepticism too. People usually have sex to assert their sexuality, to relieve themselves, on a dare, to feel powerful, at last call, because they have a reputaion to uphold, out of pity, for societal reasons, because they won't get their inheritance, to waste time, to feel worthy, to get even, because it's their birthday, because it's not their birthday, to cure an STD, and although there are more reasons, to get rid of their virginity.

Where does love fit in? I've never had sex with someone that wanted to stick around afterwards. Never with someone who was aware of how I felt about them. Now that I think of it, none of them would look me in the eye before, during or afterwards. The guys I had sex with in the past did it as a release, while the girls I did it with told me afterwards that they were non-monogomous, then found the love of their life, also as a release. I was just a rebound fuck!

How can I miss being in love when I'm not even sure I ever was? My love-goggles were so thick that I couldn't see who was good for me and who was scum. At first, I thought I was through with love, but now, I couldn't find it with both hands and a map. It alludes me. Sometimes I'm content with not being in love, because it was such a scarring process, but now, I'm blind to it. Sometimes I believe that if it was meant to be, then me and that wonderful person will cross paths and feel our hearts speak in the same heartbeat (did that sound lame?), but I don't know anymore. So many have been in the same position as I am now, and love came out of nowhere to fill that empty void of theirs. To be honest, if I had sex with a man/woman/transsexual tomorrow, it wouldn't matter: it's all the same anyway.

I've lost faith in true love. There's no soul mate for me, and right now, that's okay. Do I really want to go through the crap most couples go through? Do I really want to tell my family, and if I do keep it from them, do I want to deal with repressing the secret of having a mate? Sounds like I'm avoiding love because of the hassle of it. That would bring me completely out of the closet, and that's still too scary. At my cousin Natasha's wedding 2 years ago, I felt such a loss that I'd never be able to do that, that a lesbian ceremony would get absolutely no support from my family. By not looking for love, I'm totally avoiding the misery of that.

It's better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all?