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The person I really am is trapped inside, unborn and afraid of the world. Someday, her birth will be a painfull one as the carcass lies dead from the labor, but there'll be much rejoicing afterwards. Holding so much in will create in implosion. I walk the earth as a zombie with a bomb strapped to its chest, a human doing but not being. There's this play called, "Savage in Limbo" by John Patrick Shanley that my acting class performed, about 5 people who are all 32 years old back in 1994. At this bar, they discover their need for change in their lives and at the climax, things get ugly, friendships dissolve, love comes to a head and all in a span of 90 minutes. Our acting teacher told us at the time that when we reached 32, we'll understand the play better: it took me 8 years to get it. I know I need something pivotal to happen, and all I'm doing is the same thing over and over again, expecting the same results: insanity. I'm tempted to lay out my lesbian mags and my rainbow flag just to provoke my dad to blow a gasket, so he'd throw me out and I'd have to start my life differently. Why should it be someone else's anger to change my life? Deep inside, I want to come out to him, but that's just suicidal. Some people you tell because you know they can handle it, others you don't because you know they won't, while the rest are a crap shoot. My dad's no crap shoot, he's Russian Roullet. I don't want to be responsible for anyone's head being blown off. So, I'm stuck repressing myself, no sex life, no love life, no one to talk to about this stuff to, and all because I'm scared. Someday, I won't care how he reacts or how violent he gets. While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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