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The other day, my younger brother asked me if I belonged to a cult. I thought this was the stupidest, most offensive question he's asked me. It's like he thinks I'm dumb enough to do such a thing. At the time though, I thought it was too silly, so I chuckled and said no. The question and the way he paused then looked me dead in the eye and said it started to float in my brain for a few days, realizing how it hit me. It's like a hang-over: takes awhile. I kept thinking of how disrespectful he's been towards me my entire life, how he tells me things out of contempt, like when he got me a digital camera for xmas, then points his finger and aggressively tells me, "Don't lose it". Like he were my dad and I lose every single thing ever given to me. He was so rude. That's one of several times he's had that rude tone of voice. I think he's like that because he's disappointed in me as an older sibling. I don't make enough money, or I don't liver a certain lifestyle or something. It's like he's being snotty or snobbish towards me. I kept thinking what a jerk he's been my entire life and how I've wasted being friendly and nice to him, as if it'll make him like me more. I was cold towards him when he came over to have dinner with the parents and I. I barely said anything to him. There was a moment when as I was surfing this computer, he came in, asked me a couple of question about facebook and myspace and I looked at him twice to see him reading my face for something. He was trying to figure out if I hated him. Sometimes I do, especially when he's being a jerk, which is most of the time, towards me. Sometimes a person will disrespect you because they think they can, then they get so use to it that they don't even realize they're doing it. The thought of him never being around or something bad happening to him only bothered me because then I'd have to show some heart over someone who's been an asshole towards me. I kept thinking that for my birthday he's find a way to upset me or forget and have something else to do, like he did a few years ago when my parents and I went to a restaurant and he went to some concert. I sound like some clingy girlfriend or something. I sound like such a loser and I'd sound like and even bigger one if it weren't my stupid jerk of a brother. I'm angry and hateful, but I'll hide it so he can't do anything or rat me out to mom; the only time he phones the house is to talk to mom. He doesn't say much to dad or I, but actually he says less to dad. It was my dad who pointed about the snub he tosses at us, and once during dinner when we brought it up to my mom, she was quiet. Another day, dad mentioned that this upset her. I never like upsetting my mom. She's the only human being whom I know loves me and my brothers equally, eventhough I'm the gypsy of the family. I really hope he isn't a jerk to my on my birthday. It's the one day, this time, that I'm not looking forward to turning 40. I think I'll be hating my birthdays from now on. The celebration might be cool, but then life afterwards will be depressing. I'm sure more nagging will ensue. I have a show to do, so that'll distract me. While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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