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I put too much thought into what my sexuality should be. I want to enjoy sex without feeling like I'm betraying a gender, yet fulfilling my needs. I don't need to answer to anyone about who I sleep with, especially if we're consenting and unattached. If I'm attracted to them, and they're attracted to me, and we're both single, then what's the harm? My ambition for marriage was gone a long time ago, and my need for a relationship was under false pretenses. I thought I needed a boyfriend a long time ago, but I don't. I don't need a girlfriend either. I'd like a regular sex partner though, but I wonder how sleazy that would be? I've had too many men and not enough women. The last man I was with, we're not serious about each other. I went on a date last Saturday, but there was no sexual chemistry. Regardless of their gender, it's all about how we connect. I want sex: is that so wrong? I try to repress it, but it's undeniable. I don't know when I'll have a woman again, but I want one. I may have only men for the rest of my life and watch lesbian porn still. I love pictures and videos of naked women. I've seen heavy women and gotten extremely turned on. So much porn has mostly white people. I'll have to deal with my current bisexuality or clarify it more. I intellectualize myself too much and give myself headaches. I have to picture naked women to get off during masturbation; men don't finish me off, as much as I think of Daniel Craig often. I hope to have more women this year; that's my new year's resolution. If I had waited four more days, I'd have gone 2 years of no sex, but I broke that last month with The Man, who called me out of the blue. I thought we were finished. I don't want to think I'm the only woman he's banging, and I don't feel as guilty about seeking other women after I've had him. I finished my paper diary two weeks ago and some of this has been stored up inside me. If I end this life without having had a meaningful long-term relationship, then I won't have any regrets. I'm not sorry for never given birth to children, as much as I like them. I'd rather have a pet, but I don't want one now. The last entry, "I Don't Matter" meant that sometimes I feel like whatever I feel and express hasn't mattered to those who've abused me or rule over me. At frustrating times, it's like when I give my reasons or try to express myself, I'm being shushed or having a finger pointed in my face. It wasn't a suicide note, but just a statement of how frustrating it is to get my feelings and thoughts across to a live person and be disrespected out of ignorance or malice. I'm being more mysterious with my thoughts and feelings to others just because what you say can get you (me) into trouble. I have no reason to ever believe in god. Heterosexuality is what I'm not, but I'd rather lie about it to the straight crowd then confess my lust for a man to the lesbian crowd. I'm still surprised at how long I've had this online diary for! It's been almost 5 years, in March. May I never be discovered. While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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