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That sickening feeling is overwhelming me again. I had these stupid ideas that I should make a bold move and seduce him over the phone, fantasies of phone sex and thinking I was reaching out. I was shopping for a few groceries yesterday after work after deciding I wasn't attending a friend's party. I called him and asked point blank, "Are you seeing anybody else?" This got him mad and flustered. The bear inside him roared out and it freaked me out. He calmed down a bit, explaining how he's not into relationships and hooking up or being involved with anyone, and I was trying to explain that I understood, but I don't know what I'm doing with him or what the hell is going on, if there is even an "us", which he dislikes. I felt so stupid, like my innards dropped out of me. I was sitting on the bus, checking my emails when I saw a friend had sent me a letter about being dumped! Automatically, I felt I could call him and tell him about what I've been going through. I wanted to meet up today but last night he seemed concerned, picking me up and driving to Tim Horton's an hour and a half later. Inside the car, I confessed to this stupid fling and how eternally awful I still feel. He was trying to reassure me that everyone goes through this but it just made me feel evenly crappy. He talked about his past loves and all while I was distracted in my own thoughts, listening to him just to get out of my head. He was even going on about what a decent guy he was, which made me feel even crappier. He even put it to me, asking, "Is this because of bad trauma in the past?" I don't know what to believe anymore. Why did I have these feelings for women before I was violated? I don't know anything anymore. I don't know what to think and I can't control what to feel. I know once I talk with the guy I'll feel even more damaged. I'm hating December. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever talk to my friend from Edmonton ever again, remembering how hurtful I felt when I trusted her and only got damaged even more? I wished I hadn't phoned him at all. I wished I hadn't had sex with him; I knew it was a big mistake. It was the worst thing I ever did. We can't be friends anymore now. How could I have been so stupid? I'll never forgive myself for this. These past few months because of this have made me so miserable. I'm so disgusted with myself. While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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