[Friday, Dec. 09, 2005 @ 5:22 p.m.]
[ Celibacy, You're Back! ]

I don�t know if I could identify The One if they were standing in front of me with a bouquet of roses. I don�t know if I�d be comfortable in a relationship if the opportunity were presented to me. I don�t know who I want and what I really want from someone in order to spend the rest of my life with them. I don�t know what kind of person I�d want my parents to meet, what personality traits I�d want handed down to my unborn children and what kind of people I�d want my kids to bring home to me. The whole thing is a mystery to me that I may never solve. I am ignorant in the ways of love and finding love. I can�t find true love because I don�t know what it looks like! My ideas that have dogged me for life are dissolving and I�m coming up with questions, finding no answers. The search has been miserable, but once you stop looking, it may come to you. I don�t know if I�ve totally given up, but for now, I�m not looking. I may be looking for the rest of my life. I may find someone and they'll be the biggest regret of my life, or I'll be theirs. I don't even think I can have children either! I may never find a woman or even a man pair up with through this lifetime. I may die with several teddybears as my only friends while my family worries about my mental health. I may die tomorrow, thinking that I never found love (and that I never had the acting career I've always wanted!).
Most of the day, this day I have off from work, was spent on the computer and I came up with this proclaimation and jotted it down. I also discovered some websites to host videos and my mind was rolling on the idea of actually phoning some local guy who does actors demo reels and have one done finally. He was busy eating something, so he wasn't too focussed. He knows the guy I slept with but I don't know if he knows I slept with him. Anyway, must push on, as they say.

Sometimes this is why I hate sex! It gets in the way sometimes. It messes you up as bad as love does, maybe worse, depending on who you are. Hate sex you say? Come on! Don't you think it's a bother when you're not getting it or when you are getting it, it's not what you wanted. Even when you try to communicate what you want it's still not done right. You want it X amount of times but the other person's frequency differs, so you're screwed in an unpleasureable way. Sometimes it just doesn't sync up! When you do get some, you're just greatful for having it, no matter how good or bad it is. Bah! Celibacy is ahead of me again.


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