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I'm looking at things differently these days. Even if I never couple up with someone, that's okay. I'm so use to being single, I wouldn't know what to do with someone once they were in my clutches anyway. I'm at a place where the next time I see him, it may be painful. He may say harsh things to me. We may never be friends again. Our lives will drift. I may feel pain inside for awhile, but right now, I'm fine, and after the shit hits the fan, I'll be fine. I looked at his online website and upon viewing his photo, I felt something in my chest; it's been so long seeing him and all that I don't know how I'll actually react once we sit down or even talk on the phone to meet somewhere. Whatever happens, I'll express regret, for that's how I feel about the whole mess. I don't know what his reaction will be. It might even shock me worst than what I expect. I want to move on and embrace spinsterhood. I felt better once I went to 3 parties yesterday, socializing with others and not feeling a ball-and-chain on my ankle. I'm just trying to put things in perspective and hold onto my sanity while I have it. I hope there's no breaking point and that I'm more resilient than I think I am. If he felt something deeply for me, he'd have expressed it by now, but he hasn't. I'm also relieved: I'm more regrettful about having had sex with him than all of the women I've been with, all 5 of them. I wish I could erase all the men I was with, including the last one. I hate sex because you crave it and I don't want to. Celibacy helped me forget how much I loved it, regardless of the memories. I don't know if I'm contradicting myself in this entry or anywhere in this journal, but I'm glad I'm 100% single again and not having sex. I've had sex, I'm no virgin, so I don't need anymore. For now, I'm done. I doubt I'll make any smart sexual choices, if there is such a thing. While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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