Yesterday, I spent the day with my mom and my younger brother. I barely talked to him, just tolerated him. I'll get over being mad at him, I mean, he's my brother, I've tolerated enough crap from him and he'll do it again. He'll probably feel sorry for it someday but I'm not counting on it.

After spending the day at the Kitchen & Bath Renovations Show, then eating french fries while watching "S.W.A.T." on his DVD player, I got a call from dad about a friend who called me. He didn't say if it was important or not, so I figured I'd wait until I got home to call whomever it was. My dad's not good at taking messages and he didn't get the name of the person who called. When I did get home, I checked the machine and my dad neglected to turn it off when he was getting the message, so luckily I figured out who it was. My online friend called and wanted me to hang out with the gang. Impulsively, I said yes.

Moments later, T picks me up and whisks me away to my lesbian gang to eat and play "Mad Gab". I really needed to be with them, I'm so glad they called. Made me realize something: as much as I love my family, I hate being 35 and living at home under my parents roof. I hate not having my single life like I did in Vancouver. I've bitched about this time and again, but until I do something about it, it'll bother me to no end. It'll probably make me sick if I bottle it up any longer. I keep fantasizing about coming out to my dad, just so he could blow a gasket and banish me from the house and family, just to jump-start my life and kick my motivation out of me. It's like I'm waiting for something to move me, to make me assert myself.

I think I'm just cowardly about what to do with my life, wanting someone else to do it for me. That's always a bad way to have things happen, because you never know how it will actually happen, then you're screwed, resentfull to others who don't deserve it and internally wounded. I don't want anymore trauma in my life. Correction: I don't want to be victimized, but rather heroic. I want to come out blazing for once, to come out victorious, like I survived a burning house, you know?