When I didn't show up on wednesday to my actor's group, I felt guilty, but no one called. I thought they'd given up on me, thinking to hell with me.

I get a call from one of the actresses, who was concerned, telling me that if I don't show up, then neither will she. The motivation has gone down, with the attempt to pour in new blood these past few weeks, but it's not the same.

When she asked me if I still liked acting, I said, "I love it!" I always will, it's just frustrating when you can't make a living from it, especially in Winnipeg. One of my goals was to make enough money to move back to Vancouver, but I can't even get a job to earn any money to do that, and a year has gone by with very little to show for it. It's mostly getting on my parent's nerves, and it hurts to hear their disappointment being directed at me.

Now and then, there'll be signs, like a show called MediaTelevision showing ads for an insurance company. They show a flight Attentant, getting dramatic about the oxygen mask that falls from above, clearly a closet actor, then the subtext says, "What is it you really want to do? Why aren't you doing it?" There was another one about a detective that shows this married man a photo of his wife cheating on him, and when the man says, "Oh my god!" the detective says, "I know, it's not my best work." The detective is going on about the composition, lighting, focus, and other things to indicate that he's a closet cimematographer.

I'll always struggle with what I really wanted versus what I should be doing. Life isn't about having a purpose, it's finding a purpose. The day I'm satisfied is the day I die. Life is the constant search for satisfaction, unending.

Sometimes it wears me out.