Anyway, When my mom, my dad and I went to a relatives place yesterday, my dad occupied his waning attention with some christian men's magazine. There was an article that captured his attention which he pointed out to me: It was an article about gay men's influence on the world, about homosexuality in general and how it's infiltrated the media. I was afraid he'd say something out-loud and make a huge disgusting fuss about it, being as my relatives were devout christians, unknowingly making me incomfortable, but he kept silent. The conversation topic turned to my dreadlocks, as it always does with anyone who sets eyes on me. I get compliments from strangers, I get questioned whether my locks are real or not, but I'm a conversation piece.

About an hour ago, my dad came into the computer room, where I usually am, and said that "they've" banned gay and lesbian broadcasting on tv. "Why are you talking about this?" I asked, paranoid he's confront me about what I wasn't telling him, but he was just glad to have the topic seemingly out of his though process. It also made me remember something that Chris Rock said about homosexuality: "Homophobia is stupid, just cut that shit out right now. If you're prejudice towards a group of people, somebody in your family is one. If you hate Puerto Ricans, somebody in your family will marry one. If you hate gays, somebody in your family is one." That paraphrased quote has stained my brain ever since I heard it. I almost have to laugh, thinking my dad cursed himself by being so hateful about gays and lesbians. He thinks us getting married is wrong, and anything else you can think of that bigots have to say about homosexuality is what my dad believes. Aversely, I hate bigots, yet my father is one. I've also read in a book I have ["The Homo Handbook" by Judy Carter] that there are reasons not to come out, and being as I'm dependent on my parents right now, knowing what my dad feels about homosexuality, I'd be performing a kamikaze mission by telling him. It was petrifying to even tell my mom, but at the time, I was living in Vancouver still and I told her over the phone, so I felt safe. If I did tell him, I'd be face to face wit him. I feel like David living with Goliath.

I don't hate my dad at all.

The other day, he told me that mom wanted me to vacuum the house. Now, in the past, whenever he wanted me to do something, he'd use my mom, thinking that because I'm female, I'll only listen to her. I said, "Why don't you just tell me that you wanted me to do it instead of using her against me?" He got offended and pointedly told me that this was the second time I said this to him. As I was later on vacuuming the house, I tried reasoning wit myself that now he won't use that ploy against me, but I started welling up with tears at the thought that I'd hurt his feelings. When my mom got home, he brought it up and mom confirmed that she did tell him and that she'd forgotten to write me a note like she usually does when she wants me to do something. I went over to dad, as he lay on the couch. He was startled at my approach, but I hugged and kissed his bald head then apologized to him. Things were smoothed out.

I'm still ambivalent though.