Often times, when a friend tells me about the love of their life, I feel a pain in my chest that I didn't get that. One woman at work asked her boyfriend if he was seeing someone and it triggered the time my womanizer responded very negatively.
Another woman, just the other day, told me about her now ex-girlfriend that she thought she knew she was the one and how her present girlfriend wants something more simply because she said she loved her.
Stuff like this really depresses me when I think of the sames things I did but got only negative reactions.
Do I become an example of a loser at love or do I create myself as a winner of love? The latter is something that I know deep down I need to do but don't believe the outcome will change for me. Ever new person who has tugged at my heartstrings makes me believe in myself a little more, that there is love out there for me, until they break it to me that they're not looking for a girlfriend, that they've just got out of a relationship, that they only want a casual relationship, that they're bringing along someone else with them when we go out, that.....I can't remember all the excuses.
I hate being a victim of love. I feel that since being victimized as a child that that dictated my role in life and I haven't found a way to break through that yet. I'm too old to be holding onto this crap, this baggage that's holding me back from true happiness. I'm my own worst enemy. It's too easy for me to feel self-pity, to run myself down, to end up in stupid casual relationships, to have dead-end jobs, to reach mediocrity in my career as an actor. I'm in limbo, stuck in a ruck. I'm like a hamster in a cage.
I'll have to contend myself with living single and alone for another 50-something years on this planet. Maybe I will find someone, but who knows how long it'll last? I don't count on love ever lasting forever anymore. I may get married and then divorced, a live-in relationship then broken up, a long-distance one then cut off, I may become s widow or something.

I don't know what my marital status will be in 10 years from now, but I'd be very surprised if I did find love. Really, I'd look back to today and wonder how I got there.