I've decided at a very young age that nobody could tell me what kind of black person/female I should be, that I'll define that for myself. No matter what you are, people will define you for their own sake, to categorize you. I won't fit into anyone's box. I'm not trying to break any molds, unless I'm being forced into one. Really, if you're told that you're not the right fit and someone tries to force you into something, then you'll either conform or you won't. I suppose there are many things about me that do conform, but they escape me right now and I'm sure there are people who'd love to tell me how I do.
Two words that have brought back these thoughts to the surface: Kate Bornstein. Yes, she visited Winnipeg and I had the chance to meet her and get her autograph too. I'd never met a transgendered superstar before, but she's a superstar first, so I have to stress that.
I've often wondered when, after women's rights, black rights, gay rights, when there'll be transgendered rights? They are here, although ignored, but I'm talking about its moment in the spotlight and the celebrities that come out. Chaz Bono is the most famous one, simply because of his parentage.
I don't considered myself transgendered, but when I walk out of an arena into the common world, everybody looks strange to me. Just the rigidity of people expressing their idea of how gender should be expressed. Seeing them go about their lives like gender-slaves seem so.....mundane. If I have any prejudices against men, it's from having relations with them. I've had relations with lesbians/bisexual and been just as biased. There are times though, that I think of them as just people, that their gender wasn't the issue, but how they've been taught to think. Yes, hormones do factor, but really, by how much? I don't remind myself that I'm a woman because I feel just like a regular person until someone discriminates against me. Then I'm reminded that I'm black/female/Canadian-born/whatever.
I have a hard enough time dealing with my sexuality, then along comes a so-called trusted neighbour who rapes me and other so-called neighbours who punish me for being a raped woman and all the ugly stereotypes that come from it. It didn't occur to me that people reduced me to a mere gender, that I was no longer a human being, but hormones and my crotch. Made me disgusted in the whole human race. At times, I still am. That could easily over-take me and make me really cynical, pessimistic, and even really bitter. I'm on the verge of being that type of monster. Somehow I'm not seen as one unless a person really gets to know me, the real ugly me. If you don't see that side of me, it's because I'm protecting you from that monstrous beast within me. I don't want to inflict my baggage on anyone, but if someone keeps pressing and wants to know the real me, they'll get it in buckets.
It's late and I have work to get to in a few hours, so I need my sleep.