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All I know is that I'll get no guarantees in this life, regardless of how much I prepare. Sometimes it feel like I'll never find love, that I'll never be with a man or woman, that I'll never be a successful actor, that my parents may live forever, that I'll always feel dependent on someone, that I'll slack off, that I'll be in the same place in my life for another 10 years. Things change for the better and for the worse. I'll get heart broken again. I'll have a friend betray me. I'll be miserable in my job, I'll question every aspect of my life. I can't rely on anything except the unreliable. The people in my life are inconsistent in their roles and their trustworthiness. Even my family shouldn't be relied upon to save me or to make everything alright. Some people come and go in my life while others stay, then the rest reappear. This entry is me being lucid. I'm house sitting for a friend right now, and getting away from my house feels refreshing, but then I have to get back. Being away for too long may prove to be a bad idea, or a good idea? My mood determines what my future holds, whether my fate is doomed or promised. I never believe in promises from anyone. That I learned from my mom, every time she'd tell us she couldn't promise us anything when we wanted something, like a trip to Disneyland or some childhood dream. I'm so glad she never got our hopes up on that, for I don't resent her for any single thing in my life. As far as I'm concerned, she'll never have my disappointment or resentment. She's the best woman in my life. My dad may have tried to be a good enough dad, but I love him to death and would take a bullet for him. Same with my brothers and even my half-sister. Whoever has betrayed me will get theirs in this lifetime, and I won't be there to witness it. I don't need to, for life is full of comedic, tragic and romantic episodes. I'm unblocked most of the people on my list on facebook to face the music, but I don't want to be angry at anyone, regardless of how painful their existence it to me. No matter who had hurt me the most, I won't cause any physical harm to them, directly or indirectly. I hope I never know of their demise. I don't know how much longer I'll have this diary for, but I'll use it as long as the owner doesn't erase it. I'll miss this diary, if it goes away soon. Everyday is a risk and to make reassurances is to fool oneself, most times. Not to say that I won't save up money for my old age or anything, but sometimes that's no guarantee or anything in this life. I mean, is that all one should live for? I mean, what if something tragic happens, like it gets stolen, or it was a fraud all this time, or, or, or....... My worst "sin" is to envy someone. I'm happiest when their downfall reaches my ears. Makes me realize that I had no reason to envy them in the first place. Also makes me realize what I had. To envy someone is to say I want what they want but am incapable, that I'm worthless, that that person reminds me of it. If all the movie watching and tv watching has taught me anything, it's that nobody is enviable. The most successful people have their bad days too. If only I could wish everyone happiness, but when someone has hurt me, I only wish their downfall. I wonder how many have wanted my downfall? While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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