The one actor who was off on tuesday was hanging out with a friend and that friend's girlfriend, and the other actor who I was sure was gay has a wife, for he said that she and his mom were coming to the show. Also, he's got a cheap gold band on his wedding finger. I saw it there, but I imagined that him and his man bought it through a gumball machine in a drunken haze and decided they were hitched. It's like I want someone else to be gay, so I don't feel so alone, and I can feel safer if ever I come out.

I keep forgetting that most of my dad's anger and frustration is rooted in money. He gets most of the mail with bills, and most of the phone messages from collectors harassing him, and this builds up because I'm a free-loader without a job and a steady income. I usually rationalize that he'd find a reason to vent at me anyway, because he does this to others. His emotional lava spews out at times, and when it splatters, it stings. I wonder if he'll ever find any peace? I sometimes feel like the thorn in the lion's paw. I unwedged myself when I moved away, and we chatted better over the phone, but he'll always be miserable, as my mom puts it. It's also like she's resigned herself to believe that no matter what he does to try and please her, he'll never make her happy. What hope she has for him, died a long time ago. They're miserable together, and they'll be miserable apart.

Everytime I wish to be in love, I step back from that thought and wonder what I've been smoking. When I thought I was in love, I was loving the idea of it, the rose-colored idea of what I should have as a result, that sex is like salt and french fries are like love, but it's become more like oil and vinegar, they'll never really mix together. I just have this ache, and it's so abstract, yet I want to fulfill it with something. The only physical contact I have with anyone is the other actor I have to dance with, the married seemingly-gay one. If he is 100% straight, then he's straight in a "Fraser" sort of way.