Although I've complained and bitched about my woes to people, they've served me no purpose or anyone else's: I get no sympathy. Nobody likes to hear other people's problems, for they're unadmittedly powerless to do anything about them, nevermind their own. I've always thought that if I'm telling something to someone, it's because I assume they can help me, or at least care. It has nothing to do with that. Unless a problem can be solved, I don't tell anyone, at least I don't think I do. I'm usually private, because most of my problems can only be solved by me, and other people, when they do help, give out unsolicited advice, pass judgement and shake their fingers at you(me), when it wasn't what was asked at all. We pass advice because we think we're so smart. We think that that person will come to us some day and say, "I'm so glad you said that to me. How can I ever repay you?", but instead, we get, "This is all your fault! I wished I hadn't taken your advice in the first place!" Am I right?

If I don't have my lines down like I'm suppose to, I'll be told that I should've done them (duh), and that I'm not a serious enough actor to not have them down like a professional would. I've worked with professionals who hadn't had all their lines down, even up until opening night, but I'm down in the lower depths for a reason. As many years as I've put into my desired profession, I'm still an amateur. One director, who's not in the biz anymore, remarked that I was just a second-rate actor. Bastard!

As harsh as he was, it stuck with me. Even when I auditioned for a reputable talent agent, she said I needed a little fine tuning, after 10 years at this!

Well, I'm in a non-paying children's theatre production, where a couple of people are actors, while the rest do this for fun. The musice tape I'm listening to is played on a casio keyboard, probably from a Sears Catalogue. This is where I've ended up?

I may have to let go of the acting thing. I feel I'm a slave to 'wanting' to be an actor, like I'm addicted to the idea and not to the pursuit of it. Like it's all in my head as an idea, but in reality, it's so grey, brown and blah. Any dream of going to Hollywood is probably gone by now.

My path in my life is my own. Some wonderful surprises may happen to me from now and 50 years from now. I may fall in love with some other profession along the way, poo-poo the idea that I ever wasted my time on being an actor.

When I think about the reasons for being an actor, one of them is to gain some worth. Deep down, I feel worthless, and to be somebody, like a star or someone in the public eye, would give people a reason to admire me, to see me as important and valuable. I guess that's what I think of when I think of stars and celebrities. I've done improv theatre and drag, I've performed for one of the biggest theatres in Vancouver, won 2nd place in an improv tournament, done student films, been told by a few that I have talent and experience moments of glory, but it's all fleeting. If I died tonight, would any of that matter? What value have I added to this planet? Who'd remember me, besides family and friends? I've seen hundreds upon thousands of films, TV and stage shows, and half of the actors and productions were forgettable. We see how famous people are glorified once they've died, but those who're dead can't appreciate it. After Katherine Hepburn died, there were magazine articles written up about her, then Bob Hope died and we focused on him. The next legend who dies will get the focus and Bob will be tossed aside to make way for the latest death, and so on.