I went downtown to meet up with an actor friend I hadn't seen in years. He's in town doing a play at the Prairie Theatre Exchange, and he dropped my name to a casting director, who in turn got her assistant to phone me for an audition. I'm all excited to audition, to get the opportunity to show what I've got so I can get a role and be the professional actor I've been struggling to be.

As I was waiting for him in the lobby, I was all excited. More so because I had a load of stress and anxiety, that I would disappoint him, that I'd rehearse the scene and he'd see what a crappy actor I was, then the casting director would witness my ineptness, then she'd phone him, screaming, "What the hell? Why'd you play up this girl for when she can't even act?" I was afraid of disappointment and failure. I couldn't focus on my scene. Everytime he asked what I wanted in the scene, I'd draw a blank, yet I'd be fishing for words, trying to concentrate. I felt so ungrounded and unfocussed, having made no definite choices, like my own life in general. Afterwards, he asked how I felt, and finally, the emotion I should've used in the rehearsal came into my throat, on the edge of crying that I was choking back on. He was very understanding and sympathetic. I absolutely hate crying. I felt pathetic too, but at least I worked on the scene, instead of going over it in my room. Rehearsing with family is of no use. It's better with another actor. It was wonderful seeing him again, but I felt intimidated. He's had more professional experience and knows more ins and outs, while I've been floundering in failure and frustration for years. I should only look within myself. I wanted to cry on his shoulder, but that need felt pinched back.

I was on the bus, going over the rehearsal and past auditions that were traumatically similar, and I almost thought I'd have an anxiety attack right there. The tears just needed to get out of my ducts somehow. Maybe I'll break down at the actual audition. Yeah, that'll leave an impression on the C.D. That's all I need. Sheesh! What a crappy month!

Someday I'll feel like I've got the world in the palm of my hands.

Someday I'll feel like I've got life almost figured out.

Someday I'll take everything in stride and major crises will seem so miniscule.

Today won't be that day.

I half-heartedly flung a resume at Warehouse One, believing full well that I may never hear from them again, or that I'll get an interview and not get hired. I know I'm doing something wrong, but I can't fix it. I hate auditions and interviews. I want to work, but I'm bad at acquiring it. In 2 more months, I should have money to buy X-mas gifts for my family, but today I had to ask my dad for 5 bucks to go out.

The audition will come and go. The worst moments seem like they'll last forever, yet the best ones are fleeting right by me.