I got some tension from T last night while she was driving me home. I mentioned something about dancing, doing hip-grinding and she forcefully said that she's not into that. I worried that I crossed a line. If I ever had any doubts about where we were going, this made it clear: there's no way we'll be a couple.

I wish there was something in my life that I could fix and then the rest would just fall into place or not matter. One girl, last night at the party, asked me when I came out. When I said that I have no intentions of telling my dad, she said she had the same reservations too until she realized that she didn't want him finding out from someone else, so she told him. I keep thinking about warnings from my mom and my brothers. I also remember one day where dad mentioned some politician advocated "fags". The most disturbing things was his arguement about sex between a man and a woman, so I said, "Is it better for a woman to get raped than for 2 men to love each other?"

He said yes.

He also pointedly asked if I was a lesbian. This was the scariest moment. I paused. He said, "Don't you talk like that. People with think you're one".

That was the end of the discussion.

I hated that moment. I will never ever tell him. I don't care if he's on his deathbed and asks me, I'll lie to him.

That's the kind of fear I don't want to deal with. I dont' care, I'll never tell him, and if he finds out, I'll deny it.

Ugh!