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I came across this website and have more reason not be believe in god. There are times when I look for a sign, but then something like this falls into my lap and I'm a confirmed atheist/humanist. There's always something off-putting about christianity to me. Maybe not just that, but other religions as well. How can I belong to a religious practice that's expressing hatred? Why would I be gay and belong to a church? Some do, but I don't. There was a different webpage where a woman mentioned how her son was molesting her granddaughter and that the voice of god must be absent from him to tell him right from wrong. Sometimes stuff like this makes me wonder about the world and people's opinions. I think about the life I wish to lead, the one I'm too cowardly to act out because of so many people who think like these people, who'd harm me because of their beliefs. I think of my family members and other relations who'd object to me, eventhough I'm celibate for almost 3 years. It sometimes puts me in a corner to avoid any drama or conflict that's out there in the world. My godfather is a born-again christian. A week ago, my mom and I were coming from the Superstore when I spotted him in the parking lot. I called out to him and he stood there, beaming for a moment. He finally came towards us and thought it funny to joke about me being single, wondering when he's going to cut my hair so that I can attract a man. I usually bat away comments like this, but he kept antagonising me with, "Are you going to join the singles club like my daughters?" I sat there silently. He could tell I was pissed at this jostling, and he says, "Are you mad at me?" What am I suppose to say in front of my mom without sounding like a disrespectful child? I'm suppose to respect my elders when I'm being jerked around like this? I only said, "I love you, regardless." I don't care how offensive I sounded; that's the lamest and tamest thing I could say back to him after his ribbing and cojoling. I'm suppose to feel unworthy for being single, like I'm aching for a man to make me a productive member of society. Sometimes, when I don't properly stand up for myself, I have flashbacks of events and play them over, do-overs in my head. Things I should've said but didn't, things I wanted to say but chickened out on. The anger within just builds. I have no proper venue to unleash this angry beast inside and I need one that's healthy and won't hurt anyone. Many things set me off but I keep them well-contained. I strangle these impulses to lash out but house them inside. The consequences are always ugly whenever I let my feelings known, how I'm really feeling. This diary for instance. I could be exposed someday when these are just my thoughts and feelings being typed out. If I didn't have this or my paper diaries, I don't know how I'd function as a human being. I don't know what kind of person doesn't have a journal or some outlet to express their thoughts and feelings. I'm not fully leading the life I want nor am I getting my sexual needs met, so I write and type my feelings in this anonymous space. I almost wanted to create a profile on MySpace.com, but I'd feel too exposed. I could make it my actor's journal or something. Nine Inch Nails has a space there. I've seen other performers and producers have a space there too. Hmm, I'll think about it some more. I've even bookmarked it and I check it out now and then. I can't help but think that when I move away someday, I won't have access to the internet like I do presently. I won't be coming here, won't attend to my yahoo groups, other info, my email as often or anything I was so dependent on before. I'm watching the clock because I'm going to tape The Call at 9pm. It's a show about actors auditioning for a role then they get the call when they get cast. It's cool to see how various they are, even the ones who don't get the role. I'm glad to be here at Diaryland. I don't know how long I'll have this. I hope my anonymity lasts. I can't imagine who'd violate my identity. While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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