Although I still didn't hear back from that restaurant I applied at.

I got called by my butch friend T.V. I often refer to her as such; maybe it's a big thing with me. I don't often attract butch women. Some prefer women who're more feminine, but those rare ones go for other butches or androgynous types. She asked me to a comedy club last night, sort of a last minute plan. I was in my lounging clothes still, with my hair all wrapped up, but I was game, I had nothing better to do than sit in front of the computer or watch more tv. We arrived there mostly to support an acquaintence of hers, an amateur comic who's stand-up was okay. I didn't laugh my head off, but most of the audience thought she was hysterical. There were 5 comics performing who were also amateurs, but the main act came last and was obviously different and professionally experienced than the rest. He was almost carefree and relaxed about his bit, even when the audience was lukewarm towards his act within the first 3 minutes, we all caught wind of his humour and applauded him. He had a whole hour it seemed.

If I were a comic, I'd aspire to be like him.

I think deep down, I'd like to be a stand-up comic, but I haven't got the courage. It's too frightening. Even when I was about 11, the idea of being an actor was as frightening to me. Maybe someday I'll get over it and do stand-up. I've done cabaret performances with comic monologues and that was the closest thing to stand-up. When anyone called it that, I'd correct them to deny I could actually do such a brave thing.

If I could do stand-up, or a one person show, it would be about my life living at home with my folks, especially my dad. His character provokes more laughs when I talk about his antic. I was talking to my younger brother the other day about how dad locked the door on mom and then took a nap and he burst into laughter: It didn't occur to me it had any humour in it until he reacted. I'd really have to consider writing and/or performing this stuff. I'd have to refer to old diary entries, old photographs and family anecdotes. It would be a bold brave step for me if I took on this project. I've already got a book on writing and performing monologues that I have yet to make use of. It would be one obstacle I'd have to tackle. If I do this, I'll have put that aside and replaced it with another goal, whatever that may be.

Not that I want to give up acting, but I need to find a different path, as a performer. I'm always hypnotized by stand-up comics, performance artists, monologists; they seem to go by their own rules.