I'm so sick of being two people. You can't really trust anyone so you have to be the person you know they'll like and then when you're alone you can be you. That really pisses me off. I wish people could just be open minded and realize not everyone has the same lifestyle and views and then get over it!

Life is so frustrating when you're trying to live the way you want to. I sometimes wonder if it's worth pursuing my dream, looking for love while being hidden about it. My dad lashed out at me to find another trade or occupation. I don't know if being interested would make any difference. I also wonder about my sense of drive: Would I be more successful in any other field or would I still end up where I am now? I sometimes wonder about how defeated I feel, about everything. Is acting just a roos for having no ambition at all? Is it that I really don't want to do anything at all? Another friend of mine, who has a minor job, said that once she gets married and has kids, then that's all she'll focus on, that's what matters to her. That doesn't appeal to me at all. I've known and met other women like that, but they were all straight. There are other lesbians/bisexuals who have the same ambition, but I've never met them yet.

I just can't take the frustration from my family anymore. I know they want to see me succeed. I see it in their eyes whenever we go over to their cousin's place, the ones who have kids that have given them grandchildren and it pains them that my brothers and I haven't supplied them any. My brothers would instantly make them happy, furthering the family name.

I hate making entries like this.

I need more Advil to obliterate these cramps!

If I really wanted to lead a double life, I'd hook up with a black gay guy who'd agree to father my child [if I'm fertile] and we'd be each other's beards! We'd have our sex lives and all, but please our families. I hate seeing my parents sad because I haven't given them what they wanted. These thoughts went through my brain today and I had to spill them out. Maybe I'll make a short story/novel about them instead, if I get the motivation to write.