The cast I'm working with are all hooked up with someone. Almost everyone at work is out there looking for someone or hooked up or married. Some people ask me why I don't have anyone. Well, I'm not looking. It's too painful to be interested in someone who doesn't feel the same way about me. It's patronising to be told, "There's someone out there for you.", especially when they think their being polite. It's just a knee-jerk response to say that to someone so you don't have to hear them ramble on anymore. I don't hate being single. I just hate being made to feel inadequate about it, like I'm romantically disabled. Actually, I think I am. I hate thinking about my past, I especially hate talking about it with other people so they can toss me an infuriating line about how everything will be okay. Words of wisdom are must words. I'd rather spend the rest of my life alone than to be in a relationship.
I think about my parents, about people I know who go through their troubles, I see couples on the street and I don't envy them. I envision what troubles they must be going through. To be with someone is no guarantee of happiness. I can't understand anyone who has a bad track record and still pursues love? I don't see the point in it anymore. I don't feel motivated to bother with online dating services or go to bars to link up.
The other day, I was thinking, "I wish I was having sex with someone right now". What a stupid thought! I was only interested in breaking my celibate years to alleviate some frustration. To be in love would be the ultimate high. I use to be a love junky when I was a teenager and until my mid-20's, but now I'm off that drug. It's not better than acid. I'd rather be stoned than in love. Actually, I'm in love with the box set of Ren & Stimpy I bought yesterday. I'm almost broke, but I could't help myself. That's what love does to you: clouds your rational thinking. Love isn't based on level-headedness. Love is irrational. I look back on the individuals I'm wasted my feelings on still can't reason what I saw in them. I predict that the next victim of my desires will also be ill-chosen. This is why I don't want to pursue anyone: all my choices are bad. Until I figure out how to make the right ones, why bother?
I have a rehearsal to attend to.