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I've been looking for happiness in love. I've realized that I've waited to find it to feel whole and happy, but reality tells me this is not so. I wouldn't know anyway, or I wouldn't recognise it if it were in my lap. There are many people who've found love and realized it didn't complete them. I've been looking for completeness through sex, mostly, thinking love would follow, but it only brings disappointment and shattered illusions: disillusionment. I'm always looking outside myself for love and respect, meanwhile I'm feeling unloved and treated with disrespect from those who feel they're given permission. I'm nice to people because I want them to like me, thinking this'll get respect. There are two types of people in this world: those who want to be liked and those who want to be respected and I'm the first. The ones who are the second one aren't very nice, but they linger. I don't know how or when I'll ever be the second one. My conscience goes for the nice and backs away from the respect. I was pondering this yesterday, thinking of the man who called me a few days ago. He wanted to know why I was grumpy with him on the phone. Why? We hadn't had sex in seven months and he's baffled at my outburst! Is he stupid or does he want me to express this to him? I have to be downtown today to pay my dad's ambulance bill. I paid the last one but my mom wants me to take her check and pay it for her. It gets me out of the house and downtown. Anyway, I was thinking of calling the man to hang out, but it's too early in the morning and this is still messing me up. I'm trying to define myself so I can explain myself to people who'd ask me invasive questions and pass judgement on me for being a flake or some other label to help them process shit. I haven't written in this thing in a long time because sometimes I'd log in and it wouldn't take. It's the security on this computer that blocks me from this and other websites I'm registered onto. I'd type in the right code and I'd still be told it was an error! Is this thing being mischievious or did I type in wrong or what? Anyway, I have to get out of here. Looking for happiness has caused so much misery. I'll just lead my life somehow. When you chase after what you desire and it makes you miserable, you must find a way to make yourself happy despite it all. I want to be happy now, not in several years from not and not when I think I've finally achieved what I wanted or when I've failed at it. I've put all my tofu cubes in one basket is what I did. Time to say, Happiness is right now! While Soaking in Lavendar... - Saturday, Apr. 06, 2019 He Reminded Me of An Incident Years Ago - Monday, Feb. 04, 2019 My Rose-Coloured Glasses are Smashed & I Don’t Want Them Anymore - Sunday, Feb. 03, 2019 It’s Been Awhile - Saturday, Feb. 02, 2019 I Never Needed You. - Thursday, Nov. 27, 2014
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