I was looking at the cover of "The Enquirer" that had the headline,"You See, Can't You Tell I'm The Most Dangerous Man Alive?" This man was on the front, arms stretched out to us........it was my dad!

I don't know what that means.

This morning, I was still thinking about last nights actor's meeting. My confidence in myself isn't there anymore. Not just acting, but what I want to accomplish in the near future. I'm not interested in being interested in anyone. Everything I do is half-assed. I feel defeated and deflated in general.

The most I've accomplished today was covering the windows with plastic with my dad, to keep the frost out. My mom bought some Black Cohosh herb pills, and so we each take one a day. I've been feeling more emotional, like I want to cry for any reason. As I was helping my dad, I wanted to tell him how I'm glad he came to Canada, to help mom raise me when my real dad didn't want to. It was the pill talking

I think it's up to me to drag that motivation out of me, to get the engine started somehow, but it always feels forced. I know life isn't easy, but why does it have to be so tough?

My younger brother is leaving tomorrow for Grand Forks to see KISS in concert. I wish I could travel. For a fleeting moment, I thought of what to do with the money I received. I thought of travelling to Toronto to see my older brother, to check out Toronto and see what the film industry is like out there.