Anyway, I was flipping through the channels when this show popped up at me. My mom was in the kitchen and I felt self-conscious, so I switched the channel to "Everybody Loves Raymond" and went into my room to watch it. I always feel awkward around family when it comes to anything gay. It's a sexual subject, and I'm as interested in talking about my (non-existant) sex life as much as I'm willing to hear how often my parents screw. The visuals are churning my stomach as I type this. Plus, I've read in books about being out and dealing with it yourself, that the more you're comfortable with it, the more "out" you feel, and the more you deny who you are, the more out of touch you are with your own identity. It's bursting to come out, yet I try to shove it back in. I can't complain when I repress myself on a daily basis, living at home because I can't get a hold on my money/employment/destiny. There are people who are so out it's enviable, yet those of us who have only a toenail halfway out of the closet feel threatened by other's courage.

It's my own fault for ending up living back here with my folks; it's my own fault for being unemployed and it's my own fault for not having control over my life. I even tortured myself with the idea to quit acting because I felt like a fool, then moments later I'm going over a monologue for this Wednesday. I won't be going, since I have my other once-a-month group that's finally getting together on the same day.

I've always regarded myself as a victim because I've felt so powerless. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I wish there were a switch I could reach so I could feel powerful and fearless from now until the rest of my life. Somewhere inside there's strength that's untapped, that I've been afraid of unleashing. I treat it like an unruly child on a sugar-high, that's itching for some room to roam, yet I hold her down for safety's sake, shoving Ritalin into her mouth.

My belly is killing me, and I'm off to watch a re-run of "Queer As Folk". I can't wait for January when "The L Word" debuts, combining QAF and "Sex & The City".