I wished I'd never moved back to Winnipeg. I've said this before, but I didn't know how I'd feel once I went back there. Visiting was better than living there, but I reflected on the good times there, how out-of-the-closet I was, and how repressed and in-the-closet I am out here.

I was hanging with my favorite girl, at Wazubee's, and there was sexual tension between us, no doubt. The next thing I know, we're rushing to get my luggage and I'm being cabbed to the bus station, watching her get smaller and smaller. There wasn't enough time, and I don't do quickies. Plus, I couldn't just make it a sexual relationship, I can't do that. I care for her, but she's not my booty call. I'm actually beginning to believe that maybe there's someone else out there for me: she's not the end all that be all.

The bus ride left me feeling like I had a thick film of grime that needed peeling. Just squirming around in my seat for 39 hours and watching low-grade movies wasn't the greatest experience, although it wasn't a torturous one. There was a very ugly woman, I don't mean that she'd look better with a make-over, I'm talking ugly-to-the-bone, I'm talking fugly. I saw she had more chin hair than I'll ever grow, which was a relief for me, and her body odor was strong. The bus driver had to announce that there was a foul odor haunting the bus, and suggested taking advantage of the next stop to freshen up. I felt so grimy that I was thinking it was me, but I know it was her.

I arrived in Vancouver with no one to great me, and coming back to Winnipeg, almost the same thing. The bus was only 10 minutes early, so I looked out the window, and finally my family, all crammed in my mom's car, drove up to whisk me away. I couldn't wait to jump in the tub and cleanse myself from scalp to toenails, but they were on their way to drop in on some longtime friends. I felt like I was the cat that was dragged in, but everyone was glad that I was home. I wished my mom a happy birthday, not mentioning her age. Even my younger brother was confused about her age: touchy subject with her I guess.

I was trying to watch, Head On on Showcase, but I'd seen it before a few years ago at Vancouver's Out On Screen Film Festival. I'm not completely dead tired yet, but sleep is creeping up on me, way too slow. I prefer to have sleep do that to me than to just lie in bed, expecting it to come and visit me.