Speaking of shocked, I was at Sport Chek with my younger brother, standing in the long line up for him while he looked for other items when I saw a familiar face. I saw him at first and he didn't strike me as too familiar until I looked at him again and called out his name. When he turned around he recognised me immediately from The Olive Garden where he was a server and I was a lowly busser. When we were catching up on our lives and he asked me what I was up to, it was one of those questions that indirectly asked if I'm married or if I'm seeing anyone or if I have any children by now. Almost everyone I haven't seen in years has spawned. He was one of the most classy black men I've ever met, not into that hip-hop/rap stuff most are into these days. If I were bisexual.......
I try not to delude myself with the idea that I could be compatible with whomever is in my sight-line or tickles my imagination or sets my privates on fire. Merely the idea has to be stomped on so I don't get carried away and then disappointed. It's my most negative side of me. This is why I like to think of anyone as a cast member in my fantasies, romantic or sexual, naughty or nice, rated G or NC-17. Deep down, just stomping on my longings for anyone becomes painful but I prefer this pain over a heartbreak; I feel this weight in my chest when I break my own heart. Maybe I am bisexual and I can't face the idea of being rejected by 2 genders + others. As I've said before, I'd rather be horny and alone than humped and dumped. I'd bet money that I'll be 3 years celibate. If I actively make this bet with someone, then there may be plans to make me "lose" that bet, then it'll seem like I set it all up to lose and get laid. Maybe that's all I want, after so long. I don't know if I want a relationship or just sex or what right now. I'd rather not live at home and have a sex life. Speaking of which, my mom and I were in the kitchen whipping up dinner when she quietly asks me if my younger brother has a girlfriend. My parents always ask me about him, like he tells me everything, Mr.Monosyllobic-Answers. I keep imagining that he's got this secret life, that maybe he has a wild sex life that he's not telling us about. Hell, how would I tell my brothers about the men and women I've had in my past? We don't talk about personal stuff. I wonder if my parents ask my brothers about me having anyone? I guess if I were older, had grown kids in their 30's who were still single, I'd ask too. I wonder if they feel disappointed?
Gah! I hate talking about or writing about romance and sex and shit. It's my most depressing topic to mention. This is why I hate reading my old diaries because most of the pages are filled with so much delusion and misguided thinking and foolish choices. Blah! I'd rather be talking about work or something or my dad's decaying brain, but some things never leave your brain. Time to watch more Sex & The City. I've started watching the DVD box sets and I'm up to season 4 now. Season 6 part 2 comes out on Tuesday, but I won't get paid until Friday, so I'll be jonesing for it until then.