Have today off.
Want to go outside and ride my bike but I don’t trust the weather.
I’ve had the rape distract me. Yes, it’s 27 and some years later and it still affects me.
Being cooped up aggravates it even worse.
I can’t undo what was done, especially when people don’t understand.
I saw a tv show where a victim recanted everything she said about the incident. It sounded like she was brainwashed into believing that she lied just so everyone didn’t have to deal with it.
People’s denial took over and she suffered. Probably thought it was easier to deny it than to deal with it.
I was horrified that I was manipulated, yet I wouldn’t let them gaslight me like that. Nobody was honest with me. Nobody wanted to understand me. All I have are diaries to confess the ugly incident of a neighbour who hated I said no and whose white male friends conspired to sweep it all under the rug. There was no way I could be convinced that he was decent or that it was an accident, as one person claimed. I knew what happened and they didn’t. Their ignorance and their denial added more harm. I was to be obedient and to be quiet. Going along with their reality only assured that he was comfortable, that he wasn’t sorry for his actions, that he meant to rape me, that there was no love, no respect and definitely no friendship. It’s as if he was mad I friend-zoned him and he needed to be in charge, to say that he’s allowed to take sex against my will, even if he thought black women weren’t attractive. He figured I was at the low end of available women, and that I’d be willing and desperate. He was counting on my desperation, but hated that I said no: he raped me because I said no. He was mad because I wasn’t interested and even madder I kept saying that people were mad because I wasn’t as simple-minded as they’d hoped or assumed. I was surrounded by people who thought very little of me, who thought I was stupid. I was grossly underestimated when they told me lies about what I should believe and how to think about that rapist who wouldn’t take no for an answer. Since I wasn’t obedient, there were rumours that I stole money or extorted money or some ridiculous idea about 25K. Anyway, this sounds like incoherent ramblings of a crazy rape victim but I have a paper diary about everything that happened. I still have the testimony about the incident and they can’t lie to me or anyone else. There isn’t enough money on this planet to make me forget about being sexually assaulted by a man who believes that he had the right to demand sex from me. It wasn’t by accident, I had every right to say no, I never wanted anything romantic or sexual from him, he’s never turned me on, only off. The rape lasted longer than the actual harassment, his naked body was a blur, any man who thinks he deserves sex from any woman is stupidly misled. His act was supported by a bunch of misogynistic neighbours who wanted the incident to go away. Since they didn’t lay a hand on me, they lied and manipulated me. They toyed with me because they didn’t respect me. They were mad at me for being raped yet supported the rapist. How do I trust any man who justifies that kind of treatment to a woman? Am I to distrust every man who wants to be in my life? Aren’t men taught how to treat women if every culture, and why was his culture dismissed yet I was blamed for being victimized? I have to live with what that rapist did yet he’s lauded as a decent man and a good friend. A decent man doesn’t justify rape by telling you that you’re saying no and that you’re losing. If he’s acknowledging you saying no, you’re not consenting and he did indeed rape you. If I’m to agree with this fiasco about his decency, then it’s really an illusion. He can’t redeem himself for what he did. What would a rapist have to do to redeem himself? Suicide won’t do it: not good enough. He’d have to write a letter about why he did it and that he understands why it’s wrong to treat women like that. I don’t feel sorry for reporting him at all. I told myself that if I ever got sexually abused again that I would never tell anyone, but I’ve changed my mind. A man rapes women because nobody stops him. The people I knew went out of their way to ensure he got away with it and they denied everything I felt and thought.
For all I know, they’ve found this site and are mocking me and still disbelieve me. Well, the men have had friends who’ve raped women and all they did was sweep it under the rug to ignore it and go on with their lives. Well, that’s what happens when you dismiss any problem: it blows up in your face until you can’t ignore it. The truth will arise.