It's a lose-lose situation. I'll be a vegan working at a burger joint. What'll happen if the manager asks me why I want to work there? What if I get the job and it's known that I don't even eat anything there? So many what-if's.

I also applied at Blockbuster Video and I'd rather work there. It's much closer, and I love movies.

I wonder how most people do it?

Some people burst through so many obstacles and win. There are some people who've been through worse things than I, yet have climbed mountains, saved the world and all sorts of heroic stuff.

My fear is to look back on what kind of life I've led. Sometimes I look back and remember only the good parts, especially after I've removed myself from it. Since moving from Vancouver, it looks better to me. Looking back on my childhood looks better, yet if I were to go back there again, I'd want to be fished out.

I always compare the present mess to the past, projecting myself to a happier time. Years from now, when my parents are dead, I'll reflect on these times and wish I were here again, forgetting the misery.

Do I chose to be unhappy? Am I so use to depression that it's the only reliable feeling I can count on? Am I trying to feel safe? What's wrong with me?

Sometimes I have a moment of clarity and everything seems simply okay. I reflected on someone, a guy, who broke my heart and I was so upset over it. It wasn't that it was a guy, it's that I was even rejected. I wanted to be wanted and worthy, but to be rejected was a punch in the stomache and a slap in the face: He just didn't feel any spark for me. There are some people I really like yet feel nothing. I didn't understand that at the time. I was also alone, single, in my twenties and living with one other person who was clueless about my feelings.

I'm rambling again.

I wish I could pour all of my feelings out so I wouldn't feel conflicted about anything. I feel like I'm just stoking the fire, encouraging the feelings to pour forth. I try to vent, but inside, I fill back up.

I don't have the right attitude to go into this interview. I have to prepare myself about how to act like I really want this job. I'd rather tell them that I'm sick and tired of going after what I want and not getting it. That I'd rather work than go back to school. If worse comes to worse, I may even end up going back to school, the thing I said I didn't want to do. Hell, I'm going to a job interview at Wendy's. I may even find a man and marry him, just to give my parents some grandkids or something crazy like that.