[Saturday, Aug. 06, 2005 @ 8:28 p.m.]
[ "...it flows from the fountain of purpose to injure." ~ Randall Kennedy ]

I've had that word used against me several times in my life. When strangers use it, it's to test my reaction whether they were proud racists or just kids playing with a forbidden word. I was at a book store two days ago and on the shelf I saw Nigger by Randall Kennedy on the shelf. I'd heard about it and bought it, telling the check-out girl to disregard the name. The expression on her face was restrained shock and her only words were that she'd heard about it. If I didn't buy it, then someone else would and I'd be too uncomfortable asking for it by name. As I was reading it, the amount of times that ugly word appeared started to affect my stomache. I didn't barf, but I just had that feeling like I'd eaten something rotten just sitting in the pit of my gut. I also went over my past and thought of instances where I had that word used against me:
  1. Last year, coming from work and this pick-up truck whizzed past, with some young brown-haired punk who just let it fly through the air, yelling it at the top of his lungs. When I looked at him, I could see how he enjoyed saying it and that he got my attention. What was I suppose to do, run after a speeding truck?
  2. One of my co-workers, before he became manager, was talking about his friend who called him and called him this as a term of endearment. I turned to him and politely pleaded with him never to use that word again.
  3. My ex-best friend, who suddenly decided to talk about an episode of, that show about teachers where a student called his friend nigga. I knew she was going to use the word and when I intercepted, she pretended to act like she had no idea I'd be offended. This was the same person that couldn't handle me being a lesbian and got mad at me, and then decideds to use that ugly word against me.
  4. My younger brother and his friend use it now and then, but the way my brother uses it is like he's half-hearted about it and doesn't go full-throttle with it. He calls me this like I'm suppose to find it endearing!
  5. I was at a local mall last year, when this guy walks past me, utters is under his breath and brushes against my arm.
  6. I was in grade 5 or 6 and these kids during recess were trying to put a construction hat on my head, when I was suspicious and looked at the label that said, "No.1 Niger". They spelled it wrong but I knew their intent.
  7. In grade 8, there was this guy I thought I liked, and in Social Studies class, we were looking at a geographical map and he notices Niger, pronouncing it Nigger. I thought he was stupid for saying it and even moreso for mispronouncing it.
  8. I was getting stoned with a friend in the last place I lived, and my neighbour was talking about how he lived in Toronto and the use of the word nigger. Everytime I looked at him with disgust he'd gauge my reaction, but he said it 2 more times until I lashed out by pointing my finger in his face saying, "Don't you ever say that word again!" Months later, he's telling me that he hopes he's never said anything to ever offend me, as if he's totally forgotten the incident or he's testing my memory.
  9. I'd ditched a friend of mine after he wasn't helping me to look for an apartment to become roommates. We were in an improvisational class when we each got up to say why we were taking improv. He mentioned how he liked improv, but when I busted him on how he thought it was the lowest form of theatre, he said, "I never said that, you nigger!" I let him sit there in his humiliation of saying that word as everyone looked disgusted at him.
  10. I was a teenager, walking to a friends place when there were these 3 girls about 9-10 years old each. They were studying me as I got closer and walked past them. When I was far enough from them, they started calling out, "Hey nigger! You in the pink shirt!" They kept on calling me this for a few minutes and I completely ignored them, knowing full well they wanted my reaction. After that, whenever I needed to go into that neighbourhood, I'd remember those girls and take a different route.
  11. My friend and I were coming out of a restaurant when this homeless guy was trying to steal some condiments of the table. I pushed his hand away and he pretended to go and punch me but I didn't flinch. He went outside to wait for us as we paid our bill. When we did get outside, he called out to me, "Hey, you nigger!" and kept on yelling it, trying to pick a fight and I just said, "Yeah, whatever"; that was the only time that word didn't bug me.
  12. I was doing a play where there was a black character who's called this, and one actor got carried away and just kept saying it several times. Even as he was told to stop it, he said it a couple more times and didn't look at me. After that, all I could see in him is his use of that word.
  13. I was doing "A Midsummer Night's Dream" with my acting class, when the acting teacher, also the owner of the school, decides to tell us that the term Ethiope was another way of calling me nigger. The room was silent after that. That teacher lost my respect after that, eventhough he was this alleged excellent teacher.
I wish I could remember other times, but I'm getting sick of typing this word. I'm sure someone will google or yahoo!search this and find my page. I'm worried some idiot will leave some racist message in my notes or guestbook. In fact, I'm positive someone will. It's a word some people are just itching to use, especially the ones who claim they'r non-racist or don't see color, or even worse, feel that, "There's no racism in Canada".

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